threadwalker: (Good Sweat)
[personal profile] threadwalker
Wherein I chat about my numbers and my headspace.

Overall: good
Areas for improvement:
-tracking food
-meditation/stress management

Details behind cut. Read at your own peril.

The numbers:
Running: good. Faster, stronger, .... I feel bionic. My "solid" 10K pace is 9:30.
Overall Fitness: Stronger! And I love how strong my legs have gotten. Bring it!
Weight: 146.5 I'm 1-2 lb from my weight goal and 4-5 lb from the goal my trainer set for me (but we all know he's crazy...LOL).
Bodyfat: down from 33% to 27.8% in 6 weeks

The mental landscape:

I'm a bit dubious about this victorious weight loss. I haven't been logging food for 5-6 weeks (since boss was walked out and I assumed my new "leadership" role.. the one with all the consequences, none of the authority and none of the money). If you've been reading behind my Mordor cuts, the jury knows it's stress induced and related to "I can't stand the site/smell/taste of food" and the "not keeping food down" when I pinch my nose. While this is going on, I'm continuing with "work outs from hell". As opposed to "I ate so awesomely healthy and worked out as planned, I'm now seeing desired results."

I wanted the "worked hard and got results" win. How do I know I have the discipline and will power to do it right if I cheat? Or rather, if my world is conspiring against me and takes the journey of self-discovery away, how do I know that this is really me? For me the end results are important, but the journey of discovery and getting there is key to maintaining a successful healthy body and knowing that this is something I can do without the handicap of naseau. And fitness-wise, I fear that my metabolism is once again depressed.

So... I'm dubious and I keep expecting to wake up 10 lbs heavier... like it's hiding under my bed ready to sneak back onto hips and waist as soon as I'm asleep. LOL. On the other hand, if my world is going to crash in around me, it's nice that I'm not feeling the urge to binge because food has always been a comfort to me. As a few friends have said, "Enjoy at least one thing in your life that you were striving for and can enjoy during this period of Hell."

So I am happy with a dash of "dubious distrust". My plan is to focus on nutrition and eating enough calories to maintain my current weight/muscle mass and resume logging today.

(1 cup oatmeal, 1.5 tbl honey; 2 oz baked tilapia)

And about that meditation.. I need help.

I need to build a happy place in my head that makes the clenched feeling in my stomach go away long enough to eat and function like a normal person. So today I'm going to start looking for physical anchors of happiness... (maybe a token from one of my trips to Italy)... and try to visualize a place where I know I'm at peace and can feel in control. I'm not sure what that looks like, so it might take a while and I've never really done this before.

Anyone out there who actually meditates and has some breathing/mental Katas that could lead me through this? I'd even be willing to take some vacation time during the week to come to you to learn how to center and calm myself. Or recommend a studio? Dr Kool? Anyone? Help? drowning...

So...onto cleaning up my "internal house" and that purging project:
booksale, fabric sale, etc.

Books:
I'm going to ruthlessly cull my library for the book sale. I have an extensive library, but I'm ready to let go of a lot of it. The goal is to keep the stuff that I "need" for my current area of studies and dump EVERYTHING ELSE. And anything redundant/repetitive.

Fabric:
The week after X-mas my Mother in law is coming over and we are going to pull out all the fabric from my stash (I have about 15 bins of stuff) and I want it down to a few rolls and 3 bins by the time I'm done. I'm going to take measurements, take pictures and web as much of it as I can. My goal is to have a web page of "Fabric Trunk Sale and Library Clearance" by 12th Night and then an open house in early February. There's too much to take pictures of everything, though. Plus, some of my sisters have said they want to clear out fabric stashes as well. So more than likely there will be more than just my stuff.

I'm really excited about this. Right now, this IS my happy thought.
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August 2014

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