Starting over hurts like Heck
Nov. 25th, 2008 07:20 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
threadwalker(fitness blah-g)
Yes, I'm starting over... again. Starting over sucks.
After a 5 week break in my workouts (not including dragging luggage through European train stations) I rolled into 24 Hr Fitness in Berkeley last Wednesday at 5 am. I punched 30 minutes into the treadmill and Lo' and Behold, I was gasping and wheezing in less than 2 minutes and had to break up my run with intervals of walking.
Starting over REALLY sucks.
My lungs wanted to crawl right out of my chest and expire right there. I hate that. The "can't do" voice in my head was questioning this and suggesting it was a sign that I should still be in bed. I worked on tuning THAT voice out because I know that if I give in, then I give up. I found myself watching the clock tick down on the treadmill, wondering if I'd hold out. I pondered the irony of my wonderful triathlon experience only 2 months ago. Oh, verily, I have fallen far and the pain of starting over is both physical and mental. I can't help comparing "now" to "then"; stumbling and wheezing for 3 miles versus running a hard 6+ miles AFTER swimming a mile and biking 25 miles. I used that comparison to drive myself onwards, telling myself that starting over is just one phase and that in a few weeks I'll crave these runs. Years ago, when I went from being super-athletic to super-out-of-shape, part of what caused that downhill slide was that I didn't know how to get over the mental pain of starting over.
When I was 22 I didn't know how to deal with the sense of shame and guilt when I realized I couldn't run as far or fast after a dip in my fitness. I didn't know how to deal with being unable to lift as much weight in the gym or being unable to perform as well in the dojo. And it's not like cramming for a test; physical fitness is a build up of endurance and ability. There will be break-through days, set-back days and injuries, but there is no use in cramming for the belt test or the cross-country meet. You can't take a 6 month break and then go for a 10 mile run through the hills and expect to do it on cruise-control. Back then I didn't have the tools to deal with the feelings that came with realizing that I had lost ground and that I was going to have to start over. I don't think I realized it was a phase because I never successfully got through it to the other side.
Fortunately for me, with age comes wisdom, experience, refined stubborness, a unique perspective on pain, hardened drive, and an abilty to be an all-out bitch. I know that starting over is a painful phase and I will get through it. I fully expect it to continue to suck for the next few weeks, but when I come through it, I will be once again enjoying my hour-long tempo runs, my ass-kicking interval runs, and schmeing my next ride up Mt Diablo.
In the meantime, while my self-motivating pep-phrases echo in the back of my head, I'm still struggling to get to the gym and do this start-over thang. The boss is on vacation and the 10+ hr days continue. I am honored and horrified that he's put me in charge of so much while he's out, but the total exhaustion from yesterday meant that I was asleep on the sofa with Miss E on my lap last night at 8:30; thus no run or any other "Me time" stuff last night. With this schedule it would be so easy to just blow my workouts off right now. My can't-do voice tells me that I can always restart/reboot next week when my boss gets back. Afterall, in the big picture, what's one more week of missed work-outs?
Unfortunately, it's so easy for one week to become two weeks and then a month and then a total life-style change. In Weight Watchers, we call that "lethal logic". Instead of giving in to the lethal logic, I'm getting up at 3:30 am to make my healthy lunch, pack my gym bags, make snacks for kids, load all that in the car, etc, so that I can get my work-out in and be at my desk before 7 am. And it's not easy to get up at 3:30 am knowing what my day holds for me. Right now I'm just trying to get up without thinking about it too hard; it's my goal to be in the car and turning on the heater before the "lethal logic" part of my brain wakes up all the way and suggests I just go back to bed or go play in my shed for an hour.
Week 2 of starting over is going well. The Can't-Do voice is still nagging me to go back to bed, but I'm ignoring it. The running is steadily coming back. I did a 5 min warm-up today on a steep incline and then a 35 minute run on 1-2% incline. It didn't feel great, but it felt okay and I did a little less "clock watching" than last week, so I think my body is adapting. The legs, knees, ankles feel good.
I'm still in "start over" phase, but I think I'm progressing. 2-3 more weeks and I'll be groovy.
Yes, I'm starting over... again. Starting over sucks.
After a 5 week break in my workouts (not including dragging luggage through European train stations) I rolled into 24 Hr Fitness in Berkeley last Wednesday at 5 am. I punched 30 minutes into the treadmill and Lo' and Behold, I was gasping and wheezing in less than 2 minutes and had to break up my run with intervals of walking.
Starting over REALLY sucks.
My lungs wanted to crawl right out of my chest and expire right there. I hate that. The "can't do" voice in my head was questioning this and suggesting it was a sign that I should still be in bed. I worked on tuning THAT voice out because I know that if I give in, then I give up. I found myself watching the clock tick down on the treadmill, wondering if I'd hold out. I pondered the irony of my wonderful triathlon experience only 2 months ago. Oh, verily, I have fallen far and the pain of starting over is both physical and mental. I can't help comparing "now" to "then"; stumbling and wheezing for 3 miles versus running a hard 6+ miles AFTER swimming a mile and biking 25 miles. I used that comparison to drive myself onwards, telling myself that starting over is just one phase and that in a few weeks I'll crave these runs. Years ago, when I went from being super-athletic to super-out-of-shape, part of what caused that downhill slide was that I didn't know how to get over the mental pain of starting over.
When I was 22 I didn't know how to deal with the sense of shame and guilt when I realized I couldn't run as far or fast after a dip in my fitness. I didn't know how to deal with being unable to lift as much weight in the gym or being unable to perform as well in the dojo. And it's not like cramming for a test; physical fitness is a build up of endurance and ability. There will be break-through days, set-back days and injuries, but there is no use in cramming for the belt test or the cross-country meet. You can't take a 6 month break and then go for a 10 mile run through the hills and expect to do it on cruise-control. Back then I didn't have the tools to deal with the feelings that came with realizing that I had lost ground and that I was going to have to start over. I don't think I realized it was a phase because I never successfully got through it to the other side.
Fortunately for me, with age comes wisdom, experience, refined stubborness, a unique perspective on pain, hardened drive, and an abilty to be an all-out bitch. I know that starting over is a painful phase and I will get through it. I fully expect it to continue to suck for the next few weeks, but when I come through it, I will be once again enjoying my hour-long tempo runs, my ass-kicking interval runs, and schmeing my next ride up Mt Diablo.
In the meantime, while my self-motivating pep-phrases echo in the back of my head, I'm still struggling to get to the gym and do this start-over thang. The boss is on vacation and the 10+ hr days continue. I am honored and horrified that he's put me in charge of so much while he's out, but the total exhaustion from yesterday meant that I was asleep on the sofa with Miss E on my lap last night at 8:30; thus no run or any other "Me time" stuff last night. With this schedule it would be so easy to just blow my workouts off right now. My can't-do voice tells me that I can always restart/reboot next week when my boss gets back. Afterall, in the big picture, what's one more week of missed work-outs?
Unfortunately, it's so easy for one week to become two weeks and then a month and then a total life-style change. In Weight Watchers, we call that "lethal logic". Instead of giving in to the lethal logic, I'm getting up at 3:30 am to make my healthy lunch, pack my gym bags, make snacks for kids, load all that in the car, etc, so that I can get my work-out in and be at my desk before 7 am. And it's not easy to get up at 3:30 am knowing what my day holds for me. Right now I'm just trying to get up without thinking about it too hard; it's my goal to be in the car and turning on the heater before the "lethal logic" part of my brain wakes up all the way and suggests I just go back to bed or go play in my shed for an hour.
Week 2 of starting over is going well. The Can't-Do voice is still nagging me to go back to bed, but I'm ignoring it. The running is steadily coming back. I did a 5 min warm-up today on a steep incline and then a 35 minute run on 1-2% incline. It didn't feel great, but it felt okay and I did a little less "clock watching" than last week, so I think my body is adapting. The legs, knees, ankles feel good.
I'm still in "start over" phase, but I think I'm progressing. 2-3 more weeks and I'll be groovy.
