The term "passive-aggressive" is used so variably that it can become problematic. Often, unfortunately, it is used to mean "You didn't do it the way I would/wanted you to/other people do/etc." I don't think this is what your husband meant, of course, but it really is kind of a drag that the term can have nearly as many definitions as definers.
As I understand it from the psychological side, it is being passive overtly and aggressive covertly, however that expresses itself, and you definitely were not doing that! "Calm and focused" is not passive by any means, and sticking to your previously-stated requirements *to her face* is certainly not covert aggression. I don't see any aggression at all in your response, fwiw. I think it was totally professional, appropriately assertive but calm, direct without being hostile, and really the only thing you could have reasonably done. It's too bad she had such an issue with it but when you know you are doing your part at coming to the common ground, it's not your issue if the other person fails to do so.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2009-08-12 05:14 am (UTC)As I understand it from the psychological side, it is being passive overtly and aggressive covertly, however that expresses itself, and you definitely were not doing that! "Calm and focused" is not passive by any means, and sticking to your previously-stated requirements *to her face* is certainly not covert aggression. I don't see any aggression at all in your response, fwiw. I think it was totally professional, appropriately assertive but calm, direct without being hostile, and really the only thing you could have reasonably done. It's too bad she had such an issue with it but when you know you are doing your part at coming to the common ground, it's not your issue if the other person fails to do so.