Hey, I don't even have the excuse of a glass of wine, so I guess I just get to fess up to liking words and people who use them well. :-D And of course you get a gold star - you're shiny and awesome and you still care. That's worth a constellation at least. We can blather until thread_walker kicks us out.
Your description of the vicious cycle was SPOT-ON, and it captures a key point - even when resolution is attempted, it often fails because there's too much hurt combined with not enough skill and/or desire to achieve resolution. Conflict is horribly, horribly hard to deal with fairly and constructively, which is why the entire human race still deals with each other about like angry six-year-olds. Many people can't even try, and when we do try it often fails and we do precisely as you described, keeping the cycle going. I've an embarrassing list of those moments myself, nursing my perception of having been done wrong (sometimes even correctly) and flogging that with everyone I knew. I've also been on the receiving end of it more than once. You beautifully captured the irony of how we engage in the very behavior that wounds us when others do it!
I think the worst of it is that often there really *are* wrongs done, so it's not able to be dismissed as mere vaporing on anyone's part. Intentional or un (and usually a mix of both), the hurts are real. But again, when resolution isn't attempted or it fails, the wrongs are compounded and magnified and twisted so that it really starts to feel impossible to just "let it go". Whether it's Israel/Palestine, Northern Ireland, or the current West Kingdom, the scale changes but the experience doesn't. So much hurt flies around that when less-involved people say, "Can't you just let it go and move on?" the principals either look at you like you're insane or just put a bullet in your head and get back to wailing on each other. You're absolutely correct that it takes people to fuel drama, but the sad part is that it doesn't take very many - just a handful who are REALLY UPSET is enough, because it doesn't take long before it's impossible for any "side" to put down the guns first for fear of annihilation. Then everyone else is living in a war zone, and while we've seen that people can survive anywhere, no one really wants that.
*pause for sadness that it's so hard for so many of us so much of the time*
I guess you're right that all any of us can do is decide not to pick up a gun and join in, and to try to stay as far away from the firefight as possible. Shifting to that point of view, letting go of the feeling of "I've been wronged and need to fight back", is something each of us has to find for ourselves, if we even do. I know I'm more willing to seek harmony than to be right than I've ever been in my life, but being a person who has been *deeply* invested in being right, I still get stuck in it. "But, but, SHE did....HE said....THEY started it....I'm the VICTIM here, I should just roll over and take it?!?!?" It's so, so hard to walk away from that and try to find a way to deal with the situation that doesn't involve being in the "food fight" but also doesn't leave you feeling like you violated your own integrity, either. Sometimes it's just letting go, sometimes it's "nonviolent opposition", sometimes it's seeking help to find compromise and resolution even when you still feel like none of it is your fault. But you have to want the solution more than you want to be right, and I think that's just brutally hard for most of us.
I also think it's harder to stay engaged, to stay in the environment that's triggering us, *without perpetuating the cycle* than it is to just disengage and walk away. In the end I think more good comes of it, but only if those people hanging in there can truly stay on the high road out of genuine desire - sometimes people have to walk away to save their sanity, and if you can't stick to your good intentions you're just going to open the nozzle on the gasoline hose. I think this is what you are saying you are doing, though, and I admire that a lot. I have no doubt you and others taking this approach will spread your own little ripples of peace and "making it better" by not feeding the cycle, and that's all you can do!
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2010-08-24 04:34 am (UTC)Your description of the vicious cycle was SPOT-ON, and it captures a key point - even when resolution is attempted, it often fails because there's too much hurt combined with not enough skill and/or desire to achieve resolution. Conflict is horribly, horribly hard to deal with fairly and constructively, which is why the entire human race still deals with each other about like angry six-year-olds. Many people can't even try, and when we do try it often fails and we do precisely as you described, keeping the cycle going. I've an embarrassing list of those moments myself, nursing my perception of having been done wrong (sometimes even correctly) and flogging that with everyone I knew. I've also been on the receiving end of it more than once. You beautifully captured the irony of how we engage in the very behavior that wounds us when others do it!
I think the worst of it is that often there really *are* wrongs done, so it's not able to be dismissed as mere vaporing on anyone's part. Intentional or un (and usually a mix of both), the hurts are real. But again, when resolution isn't attempted or it fails, the wrongs are compounded and magnified and twisted so that it really starts to feel impossible to just "let it go". Whether it's Israel/Palestine, Northern Ireland, or the current West Kingdom, the scale changes but the experience doesn't. So much hurt flies around that when less-involved people say, "Can't you just let it go and move on?" the principals either look at you like you're insane or just put a bullet in your head and get back to wailing on each other. You're absolutely correct that it takes people to fuel drama, but the sad part is that it doesn't take very many - just a handful who are REALLY UPSET is enough, because it doesn't take long before it's impossible for any "side" to put down the guns first for fear of annihilation. Then everyone else is living in a war zone, and while we've seen that people can survive anywhere, no one really wants that.
*pause for sadness that it's so hard for so many of us so much of the time*
I guess you're right that all any of us can do is decide not to pick up a gun and join in, and to try to stay as far away from the firefight as possible. Shifting to that point of view, letting go of the feeling of "I've been wronged and need to fight back", is something each of us has to find for ourselves, if we even do. I know I'm more willing to seek harmony than to be right than I've ever been in my life, but being a person who has been *deeply* invested in being right, I still get stuck in it. "But, but, SHE did....HE said....THEY started it....I'm the VICTIM here, I should just roll over and take it?!?!?" It's so, so hard to walk away from that and try to find a way to deal with the situation that doesn't involve being in the "food fight" but also doesn't leave you feeling like you violated your own integrity, either. Sometimes it's just letting go, sometimes it's "nonviolent opposition", sometimes it's seeking help to find compromise and resolution even when you still feel like none of it is your fault. But you have to want the solution more than you want to be right, and I think that's just brutally hard for most of us.
I also think it's harder to stay engaged, to stay in the environment that's triggering us, *without perpetuating the cycle* than it is to just disengage and walk away. In the end I think more good comes of it, but only if those people hanging in there can truly stay on the high road out of genuine desire - sometimes people have to walk away to save their sanity, and if you can't stick to your good intentions you're just going to open the nozzle on the gasoline hose. I think this is what you are saying you are doing, though, and I admire that a lot. I have no doubt you and others taking this approach will spread your own little ripples of peace and "making it better" by not feeding the cycle, and that's all you can do!