From what I've seen, our discomfort with change - our own and others' - contributes as heavily as anything else to relationship issues. As you said, we absolutely get people fixed in our minds as a set of characteristics, and most of us are made very uncomfortable when someone grows and changes. We do this with ourselves too, and again as you observed, often enough that fixed image derives from others' fixed images of ourselves. It takes effort and attention to dissolve those assumptions and ask the open question of who this entity is right now, in this moment - and how do I feel about that?
I've learned from some harsh lessons to make that effort often. I've seen some remarkable transformations for the better, from some of the people I'd have thought least likely to do so. I've also seen the erosion of all kinds of relationships because people refused to allow others to grow and change. It can be very scary to see someone you thought you knew become a very different person, and most people automatically respond from fear and whatever that produces - anger, control, rejection, denial, etc. Stepping back and making that effort to experience this person *now*, as if you had never met him or her before, requires a good bit of courage and self-awareness, though of course it's the only way to deal constructively with change. Sometimes we find that this person in front of us actually isn't someone we'd want to stay connected to - our mutual change has resulted in incompatibility that wasn't there before. Sometimes the opposite happens and someone we had no basis for relationship with becomes compatible. Without the ability to re-assess, we'll never know.
All just my own reflections and agreeing with your observations, I guess - it's a good topic for reflection. I'm sorry your changes are not being met with acceptance and appreciation by people in your life, but clearly they are being embraced by the one who matters most - you.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2011-05-14 08:38 pm (UTC)I've learned from some harsh lessons to make that effort often. I've seen some remarkable transformations for the better, from some of the people I'd have thought least likely to do so. I've also seen the erosion of all kinds of relationships because people refused to allow others to grow and change. It can be very scary to see someone you thought you knew become a very different person, and most people automatically respond from fear and whatever that produces - anger, control, rejection, denial, etc. Stepping back and making that effort to experience this person *now*, as if you had never met him or her before, requires a good bit of courage and self-awareness, though of course it's the only way to deal constructively with change. Sometimes we find that this person in front of us actually isn't someone we'd want to stay connected to - our mutual change has resulted in incompatibility that wasn't there before. Sometimes the opposite happens and someone we had no basis for relationship with becomes compatible. Without the ability to re-assess, we'll never know.
All just my own reflections and agreeing with your observations, I guess - it's a good topic for reflection. I'm sorry your changes are not being met with acceptance and appreciation by people in your life, but clearly they are being embraced by the one who matters most - you.