Parenting Still Rocks

[threadwalker]

N is supposed to read a book every night. I think the teacher expects us to read a few books each night, but our books and stories are fairly thick, so I put a 30 minute time limit on the reading exercise. Frankly, even if we don't finish our story within 30 min, after 30 min, he can't concentrate anymore. If we get through something in less than 15, then we pull out a second book. So there it is, 20-30 minutes of reading each night and we aren't doing it at bedtime anymore, we are doing it right after we eat. I wonder if I'm doing this wrong? sigh. Any reading is good reading, right? Those are where my insecurities live.

Last night, after our meal, we snuggled under a blanket on the sofa and read "The Paperbag Princess". E made sure she was not left out and used me like a recliner. It's a ton of fun to snuggle with the kids on the sofa and read. N would struggle through a page, I'd supply the words that were outside his range, and then I'd re-read the page, making him chime in on the words he gets stuck on. I was thinking to myself as we finished up the story, this is the bestest ever. I can't believe how lucky I am.

I am very happy in my own world.



In someways, I don't measure up to the example I grew up with. Specifically, the house-keeping stuff.

My mom kept a very clean and orderly house and even though we had pets (including 1 indoor cat), we vacuumed frequently and there was no build up of pet hair (well, as I recall it). She had a few things that she didn't keep up with like the piles of mail on the dining room table, but that doubled as her work space each evening. She always did grocery shopping on Wednesday and laundry on Thursday. Our laundry was promptly folded and put away. The house was vacuumed weekly. We had a hot meal every night. She cleaned the kitchen every night after dinner. She would tidy up the house everyday. On weekends she was weeding in the backyard or sweeping eucalyptus out of the front yard or other yard work. On work-nights, at 8pm, she would sit down at the kitchen table and work until 10pm grading papers and making work sheets for her first graders. Oh - and she commuted from Redwood City to San Francisco, which was about an hour each way.

We did fun stuff, too. After church we always got deli picnic stuff and then we went for a drive up in the hills and my mom would tell us about the architects of the homes and point out the homes of famous people. Those are some great memories. Sometimes we went to the zoo or the movies or the mall. But Sunday after mass was always about doing something together and it was usually outside of the house.

I have the commute and the kids. I don't grade papers or "work at home". I pretty much stopped cooking when N entered kindergarden because that time is now devoted to helping him with his homework. Dinner is often mac-n-cheese, or sandwiches or refried beens and tortillas, or stuff like that, which is "food assembly" and not "cooking". Laundry happens in spurts and I don't sort the kids clothes into "dark-white-colored"; it's sorted by "his - hers" and that's it. We fold as a family and the kids put it away, but sometimes it sits for a few days or a week before I can marshal the troops and the energy to deal with it. I clean the kitchen once or twice a week. And I can't keep up with the mess my proactively untidy family tosses around.

My house is a chaos zone compared to my mom's. And I'm definitely failing on all acounts as far as the home-ec stuff goes. I marvel at her power-house of energy and drive; I frequently ask her how she did it. I know that I do not live up to the example that my mom set and her example is the blue print for my expectations of myself.

For her part, my mom's sister-in-law, Aunt Shirley, apparently put my mom's efforts to shame. I guess it was one of those situations where Aunt Shirley's house was even more spic-n-span than my moms and my mom always felt like she was lacking.

I'm soooo far behind the curve on this, especially since I made my health my second priority. Afterall, in all the years that I've been doing housework, it never went away or got easier. And I always got mad at the situation that the hubby drives 4 hrs a day for work so it's only reasonable that I do the lioness's share, BUT it still made me cranky and short-tempered about it. There was payoff in that you could spontaneously have friends over without feeling embarrassed about your home, but that doesn't happen very often. On the other hand, in the year that I've made my health a priority, I've lost 40 lb, brought my fasting blood sugar down 20 pts, I am entering endurance races, and I feel great about my health and fitness.

So for long-term pay-off, health is a better priority; housework did not make me healthier.

Everytime I walk through my front door I cringe, but then I ask myself what's more imporant, health or housework? Long term fitness or the never-ending pile of laundry? I go through a mental exercise to remind myself of my priorities and that part of my master-plan involves getting the kids to start to shoulder some of it and learn to be responsible for their stuff. So I'm working on getting rid of that feeling of inadequecy, but it's tough because it's brainwashed in from childhood.

At my dad's funeral, N was 6 weeks old. Aunt Shirley took me aside and said, "D, your family and kids are the most important thing. If I could go back and change something, I'd spend more time on my family and less time cleaning my house. The mess will wait for you, but your kids won't stop growing up."

I only passed that on to my mom a few years ago. She fell over in shock. That's when I found out about how they were compared to each other.

For her part, my mom now regrets not having hobbies or even having a shared hobby with my dad. She apparently looks at me and asks herself why she didn't do it my way.

Isn't that weird how we all second guess ourselves and compare ourselves? And isn't it weird were the insecurities live?

Comments

[klwilliams.livejournal.com]

I think you're a great mother, and have your priorities in the right place. Have you considered getting a maid to come in a couple of times a month? I don't clean my house myself anymore, and it's soooo much cleaner than it's ever been.

[thread-walker.livejournal.com]

I yearn for a housekeeper. However, right now that money is actually going towards additional tutoring for the kids. The monthly choice is:

3x a week for four weeks for each child to work in a small group (1:4) on phonix/reading skills

or

2 visits from the house-elves

It's tough because I ask myself, "how much reading help do they need?" And then Evie writes out her name without help. She has insane writing skills and is recognizing the sounds that words make (about 1 year ahead of her bro in this). I credit the tutoring and her preschool for this (and excellent genetics). '

Nicholas, who couldn't read "Hop on Pop" in June, is reading it to me without aid. Depending on how our parent-teacher conf goes, I may discontinue his tutoring because it might not be challenging enough for him. I'm currently in the "wait and see" mode.

Anyway, right now I'm choosing the kid-tutoring over a house elf.

[light-hands.livejournal.com]

In my experience, at N's age, 20-30 min of reading a night is more than enough. You're right...the attention span just doesn't go much beyond that at his age.

We used to read to R every night as well. We'd choose larger books (we read her all the early Harry Potter books) and do at least a chapter a night. These days she reads and reads and reads...

Your Aunt was right. Housework can wait, your kids can't. I think it's great that you spend so much time with them and that you're such an active mom. And I think having hobbies helps balance people. I've met people who's hobbies were their kids, and when those kids leave for college, they are a little lost.

I try not to compare my house to anyone elses. I also try to remember that my friends come to see me, and not my house. I ignore the state of one of my friends houses because it's more important to me that I spend quality time with her rather than worrying about what her house looks like. She has 2 children under age 2 and not much time on her hands to worry about cleaning!

You are a fabulous person and I think you rock as a mom! Go you!!!

[mad-duchess.livejournal.com]

Darling light_hands,
Thank you for being an instrumental influence on my own path towards a more "relaxed" lifestyle in the cleaning dept. Thank you for not strangling the living shit out of me for being such and anal-retentive freak when we first moved out together. I was desparately trying to live up to my own mother's impossible standards. Time and experience have shown me that an immaculate household is *not* the path to enlightenment.

[mad-duchess.livejournal.com]

"The Paperbag Princess" I LOVE that book. :-) I discovered it in college when I had to read a children's book aloud as an assignment in a drama class. (A very LAME assignment IMHO because if you can't even manage a little reading aloud, you got no biz in a drama class.) Hmmm, perhaps I will tuck a copy into the next incoming Princess' gift basket....seems appropriate for this game we play.

[fighter-chick.livejournal.com]

If I kept up with the housework, I wouldn't have time to be a travel writer. Seriously.

I know you admire the fact that I've chosen to live my dream of becoming a creative nonfiction writer. And you've been to my messy house. Would you admire me as much if I kept my house spic-n-span, and settled for a job I hate while dreaming hopelessly of doing something else?

You've got the right idea--your time with your kids is MUCH more important than the state of cleanliness of your kitchen.

[thread-walker.livejournal.com]

It was messy? I never noticed the mess. I guess the company was too spectacular.

[joycebre.livejournal.com]

even in 8th grade middle school, the reading assignment is 'read for 30 mins'. Luckily my son is a good reader and chooses to read even when it's not assigned. In fact I hate the fact that they 'assign' reading time. Reading should always be a pleasure and a privilege.
And my house, even though I know how to be a good housekeeper, is always a mess. I credit the 2 people living there who drop things wherever they want, and never put anything away for the mess.

[dizzyblonde30.livejournal.com]

Family time is so much more important than a spotless home. My grandmother had everything down to a science when my mom was growing up. A certain day was laundry day, dusting day etc..etc..etc..to this day her house is spotless, of course she does have a maid come in, Nana is 88 now but she still is a neat nic! My mother HATED it and was never like that. Our house was always cluttered but we always had dinner together, mom didn't work outside of the home until myu younger brothers were in school, by then older brother and I were able to pitch in, it was ALWAYS a family effort. Of course mom was very particular about how things got done when we got them done, her way lol I'm the same way but live admist utter choas! My mom would always say, "You know what clean is, do it." LOL

And as my darling Father in law says, "Life is too short to be unhappy." He'll be 70 in May and is one of the biggest kids I know :)

Sweetie, you're a wonderful person , you put your heart and spirit into everything you do. You're raising two wonderful children who I have no doubt are thriving well. You should throw away that measuring stick you keep trying to measure up too! (Ok now I'm having images of Mary Poppins when she measures the kids and then her and she's perfectly Mary Poppins or whatever..lol i'm so silly)

[theiadora.livejournal.com]

My Grandma was like your Aunt. My mom (depending on where we were stationed) had house elves, if she didn't have access to house elves her house had a "Lived In" look. I remember having dash cleaning episodes to change the "Lived In" look to "Clean" look for company coming (but they weren't allowed in the Garage for the duration of their stay). :P
If Grandma was coming it took at least 2 weeks of cleaning to change the "Lived in" to "Grandma Clean". That woman dusted the tops of door frames daily.
After dealing with that and seeing how unhappy it made my mom, I'm fine with "Lived In", and my house only gets "Grandma Clean" for the Holidays. My time with family is substanially more important the keeping a clean house (except for the Kitchen, thats clean 99% of the time.)
My SIL keeps her house Spotless, and her kids are spoiled, they don't help her, even now when all 5 of them are over 18. She even does their laundry for them if they bring it while they visit. But if her kids are at my house they clean up after themselves.
I like the rule of you made/participated in making the mess, you get to help clean it.
I'd like to be able to afford a house elf.

[dizzyblonde30.livejournal.com]

I love that "Grandma clean" I don't think my place has ever been that lol. This just reminded me of my other grandma, Dad's mom , who was also a neat nick. Everytime she'd come over Mom would hide the dirty dishes so she wouldn't fuss with them! I remember as a child running frantically around helping mom stuff dishes in the oven LOL

[theiadora.livejournal.com]

In College my grandmother came to my apartment for a suprise visit. Due to not knowing she was coming I had a 2 hour time frame I couldn't be there with her. She cleaned my apartment while I was gone (Which was very sweet of her).BUT, It took me 2 weeks to find where she put everything away in my kitchen.
My roommates were amused that she'd cleaned up until they realised she'd rearranged their stuff too in the Kitchen. She hadn't realised that the reason there were 3 places the same type of dishes were stored was the cupboards were seperated by who owned the dishes in them. Thankfully she didn't rearrange the food cupboards.

[dizzyblonde30.livejournal.com]

now that is priceless :) lol

[dame-cordelia.livejournal.com]

My perfectionist mom didn't have to go out to work so she had the time to do the housekeeping and cooking and gardening. One of my best memories of growing up was that she would read to us at bedtime.

My housekeeping has never, ever come up to her standards, nor do I expect it to as long as I work full time. I know clean, but like most SCAers I have more things to do than just keep house.

D, you do a great job of being a wife and mother, and you understand that taking care of yourself is important. Keep reading to your kids and don't sweat over a little dust.