A skill in "no"
Dec. 28th, 2007 01:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
threadwalkerReflections
I have been thinking a lot lately how I don't put myself under extreme pressure to do wish-fulfillment for others anymore. I have learned to say "no" and I've become guilt free.
I used to spend this time of year coordinating sewing workshops, helping folks w/ 12th Night projects, etc. And if I wasn't doing that, I'd feel guilty for not doing that or I'd feel guilty of I didn't invite everyone to the one I was hosting. Which looks crazy when you write it out, but it's how I felt.
I used to be consumed by guilt if I thought I was failing to make sure everyone else was sufficiently supported in their projects. I'd give up my sleep, my project time, my family time and my "wants" to help fulfill some self-imposed expectation to help others. Where does that guilt and "please use me and treat me as a resource at your disposal" come from?
I also think the self-inflicted door-mat impulse led some people to take me for granted. I taught them to treat me as a resource and taught them that I would be available and on-call. I taught them well and they assumed I'd be available whenever they needed me without consideration for my needs and wants or my life-constraints. Because of this I always felt like I had to defend myself and have "legitimate reasons" for when I was NOT available especially when it was a close friend.
My mom raised a right, proper Irish Catholic gal. Guilt, guilt, guilt. Give, give, give. Suffer, suffer, suffer.
Fortunately for me, I have recovered. With the role-model of someone-who-shall-remain nameless, I have a paragon of an example of how to draw boundaries as well as the logic-talk that goes with it, e.g., "when did this become my job?", to alay the guilt. I also had kids, which is the BIGGEST lesson in time and resource management evah! Learning to say "no, I can't help you" has become a real survival tool; both for me and for my relationships within my family. It took practice and it took failure (falling on my face from the exhaustion while trying to please everyone or screwing up at work from shear exhaustion are BAD things). Up until recently, I was still experiencing guilt when I said "no", but I learned to establish boundaries and learned to live with the guilt because that was the sane thing to do. I call this walking the Path of Sanity (tm).
The Path of Sanity is different for everyone and for me it means I give to others after I'm done taking care of my needs and my family's needs. Sometimes I sacrafice my needs, but that's on a case-by-case basis and not something I do automatically anymore.
Right now I don't have the bandwidth to hand-hold anyone else's projects, so the Path of Sanity means I am not putting myself out to be generally available to all-comers and I am not hosting a workshop this weekend. What's new to me is that I don't feel guilty for not reaching out to others. I feel absolutely no temptation to shoot out an e-mail and invite folks over to my place to sew this weekend and there's no accompanying guilt. It's strange to feel guilt-free since I have lived such a large chunk of my life propelled by guilt. I feel very uplifted and I am sensitive to this missing shackle.
I feel great about this. Maybe I've come to accept that I have no control and I can't fix everything or help everyone. And I've internalized the parameters of my life; I have to place boundaries on myself and on what I want to do for me because I have responsibilities to the kids. Now I know that if the Path of Sanity dictates it, I let others take responsibility for their own wish-fulfillment and I decline involvement even if I have the skill-sets to aid them. I can only do what I can do and beyond that it's out of my control. It would be courting insanity to step off the Path of Sanity.
So there I am. Or here I are. I give when I can. I don't when I can't. I don't get pushed into helping when I'm praised or flattered and told I'm the only one and that the sky will fall if I don't pitch in (as if I really believed that). And now I don't feel bad about saying "no" or in admitting that I am already spread thin. I feel all grown-up.
Since I'm not basking in the need to organize everyone else's projects and since the snow-trip is off and we're in town, I've come up with alternate plans/activities for the weekend. The hubby will be off at Joe-Con after I get home from the gym each morning with a possible side-trip to Q-zar w/ N. But once I get home the kids and I are planning
1. plan on having a tea-party (setting table and getting dressed nice and making tea sandwiches and having cookies).
2. plan on making candy and cookies
3. I foresee the three of us piling into the shed for a Strawberry Shortcake/Iron Man jam session.
4. Foray to Ysa's to do some sewing magic over there.
5. Going away party for Timmy
6. Attacking the yard w/ clippers and weed destruction devices.
Sadly, I may have to go into work for a few hours on Monday. I took it as a vacation day, but the project is demanding my presence. If that's the case, I'm letting my boss know and then asking for a half off day on the following Wed so I can go home early.
I have been thinking a lot lately how I don't put myself under extreme pressure to do wish-fulfillment for others anymore. I have learned to say "no" and I've become guilt free.
I used to spend this time of year coordinating sewing workshops, helping folks w/ 12th Night projects, etc. And if I wasn't doing that, I'd feel guilty for not doing that or I'd feel guilty of I didn't invite everyone to the one I was hosting. Which looks crazy when you write it out, but it's how I felt.
I used to be consumed by guilt if I thought I was failing to make sure everyone else was sufficiently supported in their projects. I'd give up my sleep, my project time, my family time and my "wants" to help fulfill some self-imposed expectation to help others. Where does that guilt and "please use me and treat me as a resource at your disposal" come from?
I also think the self-inflicted door-mat impulse led some people to take me for granted. I taught them to treat me as a resource and taught them that I would be available and on-call. I taught them well and they assumed I'd be available whenever they needed me without consideration for my needs and wants or my life-constraints. Because of this I always felt like I had to defend myself and have "legitimate reasons" for when I was NOT available especially when it was a close friend.
My mom raised a right, proper Irish Catholic gal. Guilt, guilt, guilt. Give, give, give. Suffer, suffer, suffer.
Fortunately for me, I have recovered. With the role-model of someone-who-shall-remain nameless, I have a paragon of an example of how to draw boundaries as well as the logic-talk that goes with it, e.g., "when did this become my job?", to alay the guilt. I also had kids, which is the BIGGEST lesson in time and resource management evah! Learning to say "no, I can't help you" has become a real survival tool; both for me and for my relationships within my family. It took practice and it took failure (falling on my face from the exhaustion while trying to please everyone or screwing up at work from shear exhaustion are BAD things). Up until recently, I was still experiencing guilt when I said "no", but I learned to establish boundaries and learned to live with the guilt because that was the sane thing to do. I call this walking the Path of Sanity (tm).
The Path of Sanity is different for everyone and for me it means I give to others after I'm done taking care of my needs and my family's needs. Sometimes I sacrafice my needs, but that's on a case-by-case basis and not something I do automatically anymore.
Right now I don't have the bandwidth to hand-hold anyone else's projects, so the Path of Sanity means I am not putting myself out to be generally available to all-comers and I am not hosting a workshop this weekend. What's new to me is that I don't feel guilty for not reaching out to others. I feel absolutely no temptation to shoot out an e-mail and invite folks over to my place to sew this weekend and there's no accompanying guilt. It's strange to feel guilt-free since I have lived such a large chunk of my life propelled by guilt. I feel very uplifted and I am sensitive to this missing shackle.
I feel great about this. Maybe I've come to accept that I have no control and I can't fix everything or help everyone. And I've internalized the parameters of my life; I have to place boundaries on myself and on what I want to do for me because I have responsibilities to the kids. Now I know that if the Path of Sanity dictates it, I let others take responsibility for their own wish-fulfillment and I decline involvement even if I have the skill-sets to aid them. I can only do what I can do and beyond that it's out of my control. It would be courting insanity to step off the Path of Sanity.
So there I am. Or here I are. I give when I can. I don't when I can't. I don't get pushed into helping when I'm praised or flattered and told I'm the only one and that the sky will fall if I don't pitch in (as if I really believed that). And now I don't feel bad about saying "no" or in admitting that I am already spread thin. I feel all grown-up.
Since I'm not basking in the need to organize everyone else's projects and since the snow-trip is off and we're in town, I've come up with alternate plans/activities for the weekend. The hubby will be off at Joe-Con after I get home from the gym each morning with a possible side-trip to Q-zar w/ N. But once I get home the kids and I are planning
1. plan on having a tea-party (setting table and getting dressed nice and making tea sandwiches and having cookies).
2. plan on making candy and cookies
3. I foresee the three of us piling into the shed for a Strawberry Shortcake/Iron Man jam session.
4. Foray to Ysa's to do some sewing magic over there.
5. Going away party for Timmy
6. Attacking the yard w/ clippers and weed destruction devices.
Sadly, I may have to go into work for a few hours on Monday. I took it as a vacation day, but the project is demanding my presence. If that's the case, I'm letting my boss know and then asking for a half off day on the following Wed so I can go home early.
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no subject
Date: 2007-12-28 11:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-28 11:43 pm (UTC)(No big surprise here) I found my self stretched beyond my ability to cope over the last few years. Early this year, I had to take a step WAY BACK and start saying no; to Little League, PTA, my husband's family, my Ex, the kid & SCA friends wanting volunteers or sewing help.
I was surprised to find that some people really where not very open to my need to say no. I've faced a certain amount of hostility, actually. I may have even lost a friend over it. It does help identify the takers in you life, I’ll say that.
My favorite new expression is: “You are a sentient being with opposable thumbs, you can handle this with out me to do it for you!”
no subject
Date: 2008-01-03 07:51 pm (UTC)I like your new favorite expression. And you are right, it certainly has weeded out the takers. It also has helped me be clear in my mind that giving of my time is a generosity thing and not a guilty obligation, which makes the gift of my time/skill more clearly a freely given gift in my own head.
I just tell people I don't have the bandwidth. It's not their place to tell me how to judge my time/energy resources, so most of the time (these days) I just leave it at that. My response varies depending on the person/situation if they get nosey after that. I'm always honest and I try to be sensitive, but sometimes I feel it's important to highlight exactly how someone has stepped on my person so that they can make it a growth experience as well.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-29 01:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-29 06:15 am (UTC)My Mum raised me the same way, but toss in some good old French Canadian Catholic in to the mix and you have me...oy vey..lol
Learning to say "No" and not feeling guilty in the process is still something I am working on, I am getting a tad better. I once sat down and pondered the rare times that I did something just for myself and saw that those around me who'd been taking advantage of the Doormat I'd let myself become acted as though the whole world was ending..Good Grief... I'm still working on things though, the desire to help others and put myself last is still strong..but needs to be gotten rid of! ! Another goal for this New Year :)
Sounds like you have a busy fun weekend planned! Tea party sounds wonderful! We just got in from visiting with friends. This weekend we'll be preparing for our first New year's party and also visiting family.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-30 05:19 am (UTC)Can't wait to chat at you about the coolness that is LACMA. They've got lots of medieval and Ren art, plus a Textile and Costume Research Institute. Probably best for the book that it was closed for renovations, but I'm *so* there as soon as it reopens!!!