It's a slippery slope
Mar. 20th, 2008 12:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
threadwalkerThoughts on fitness and motivation and sabotage and victory
I am not a paragon of motivation and driven follow-through. People who are close enough to get sucked into my projects seem to think I'm a boundless well of energy that is created by motivation and some mystical inner force. (Maybe I sacrafice scraps of polyester to the Gods of Fiber in exchange for more endurance points...) I'm not. I have to dig deep for motivation, my energy is limited, and I am just as prone to self-sabotage as the next person. I have periods where I'm very motivated and other periods when I'm going through the motions. I am good at making plans, but when I'm not feeling motivated, follow-through is a forced march.
Lately I've struggled with follow through on my running plans for my lunch hour at work. It sounds good on paper, I am good at packing a bag and bringing it in, and I've stream-lined my process and leave a shower kit at work, so I'm not lugging a huge duffel on BART. With this stuff, my planning is all good, but I am lacking in execution. After I've skipped a work out, I'm madder than hell at myself, but leading up to the moment where I don't go running and during that time where I'm not running, I'm deaf to fitness and bespelled with complacency. In hindsight, as I sit here, it's like somewhere inside there's a awareness that I'm failing to follow-through, but the negotiations and the complacency drowns that out.
My negotiations can be insidious. E.G.:
-I'm so tired, why don't I just rest tonight and work out on Thursday (the official day of rest). (An exercise of "making it up later", which never really happens)
-Now that lunch time is here, I'd rather do X instead of running. And isn't mental health just as important as physical health?
-Going out to lunch with X is fun and I need some relaxation. Besides, I hardly ever go out to lunch, so it's not like this is a regular occurence.
In WW this is called "lethal logic". I'm really good at it, too. I negotiated myself from 135 lb to 200 lb in less than 10 years. While I was plateaued between 180 lb and 185 lb for a few years, I told myself that since I could not lose weight, this must be the weight my body was happy at and the weight I was meant to be. I negotiated myself from being a runner (where 6 miles a day was SOP) and on track for my Black Belt to huffing and puffing up the stairs. There are no external forces or influences that I can point to or blame. I did this all by myself to myself. I own it.
What I see within me is a battle between "the me I want to be" and "the habits I want to leave behind".
I have felt very helpless to this particular situation at work because once I start to waffle about running, it's pretty much a lost cause. I only pulled out that nose-dive one time and I've crashed and burned at least 5 times. The record is not good.
However, yesterday I caught the impulse early. For the first time, I sensed my wavering motivation before the negotiations were in full swing. At 10 am I realized I was thinking of all the other things I could do with my lunch hour besides go running. I was very offended with myself. The loss of motivation had begun and I clued in quickly.
More than the actual outcome, I am excited that I spotted my crumbling resolve before lunch. My complacent self has excellent army engineers. They snuck in and undermined those walls before I realized I was under siege. I sallied forth against complacency with logic and visualization. I reiterated the following to myself
1. I packed my bag to run. I am an idiot for packing it and dragging it to my office if I don't go running. (Beat up self for wasting effort; wasted effort = bad)
2. If running 2 laps around aquatic park is too hard, then I have no business doing a triathlon. (ouch! There's the pride.)
3. Running is good for me. I enjoy it and I enjoy the freedom to be able to do it. (embrace the fun and life style change)
4. No one can interupt your lunch if you are out running. (embrace the quiet time)
5. See number 2... again and again and again.
6. Visualization: For me, this is one of the strongest tools I have. Despite all that logic, Complacency is still a mighty foe. After I pondered 1 through 5, I started visualizing what I would do at noon. I would grab my bag, go to the ladies room, change, leave bag in shower area, go running. Run 2 laps. Return, etc. I continued to play this in my head like planning choreography. When my lunch break came, I didn't even think about it, I just executed the choreography. In fact, I forgot my towel because I didn't include "grab towel" in my mental choreography.
I feel like a winner because I caught and recognized the early stages of self-sabotage, I figured out how to get back on track, and then I followed through. I don't need to wail at myself in remorse or accept failure as the inevitable outcome when my motivation flags.
So I'm pondering my success and writing it down to remind myself that I know how to do this. I know how to find motivation and I know that when I lose it, I can find it again. And now I know that I can reel it back in as it's slipping away.
Side note: The run itself was not great, but I think I've actually worn out my first pair of running shoes since I got healthy. So that's 6 months of running, average of 40 miles a month.
I am not a paragon of motivation and driven follow-through. People who are close enough to get sucked into my projects seem to think I'm a boundless well of energy that is created by motivation and some mystical inner force. (Maybe I sacrafice scraps of polyester to the Gods of Fiber in exchange for more endurance points...) I'm not. I have to dig deep for motivation, my energy is limited, and I am just as prone to self-sabotage as the next person. I have periods where I'm very motivated and other periods when I'm going through the motions. I am good at making plans, but when I'm not feeling motivated, follow-through is a forced march.
Lately I've struggled with follow through on my running plans for my lunch hour at work. It sounds good on paper, I am good at packing a bag and bringing it in, and I've stream-lined my process and leave a shower kit at work, so I'm not lugging a huge duffel on BART. With this stuff, my planning is all good, but I am lacking in execution. After I've skipped a work out, I'm madder than hell at myself, but leading up to the moment where I don't go running and during that time where I'm not running, I'm deaf to fitness and bespelled with complacency. In hindsight, as I sit here, it's like somewhere inside there's a awareness that I'm failing to follow-through, but the negotiations and the complacency drowns that out.
My negotiations can be insidious. E.G.:
-I'm so tired, why don't I just rest tonight and work out on Thursday (the official day of rest). (An exercise of "making it up later", which never really happens)
-Now that lunch time is here, I'd rather do X instead of running. And isn't mental health just as important as physical health?
-Going out to lunch with X is fun and I need some relaxation. Besides, I hardly ever go out to lunch, so it's not like this is a regular occurence.
In WW this is called "lethal logic". I'm really good at it, too. I negotiated myself from 135 lb to 200 lb in less than 10 years. While I was plateaued between 180 lb and 185 lb for a few years, I told myself that since I could not lose weight, this must be the weight my body was happy at and the weight I was meant to be. I negotiated myself from being a runner (where 6 miles a day was SOP) and on track for my Black Belt to huffing and puffing up the stairs. There are no external forces or influences that I can point to or blame. I did this all by myself to myself. I own it.
What I see within me is a battle between "the me I want to be" and "the habits I want to leave behind".
I have felt very helpless to this particular situation at work because once I start to waffle about running, it's pretty much a lost cause. I only pulled out that nose-dive one time and I've crashed and burned at least 5 times. The record is not good.
However, yesterday I caught the impulse early. For the first time, I sensed my wavering motivation before the negotiations were in full swing. At 10 am I realized I was thinking of all the other things I could do with my lunch hour besides go running. I was very offended with myself. The loss of motivation had begun and I clued in quickly.
More than the actual outcome, I am excited that I spotted my crumbling resolve before lunch. My complacent self has excellent army engineers. They snuck in and undermined those walls before I realized I was under siege. I sallied forth against complacency with logic and visualization. I reiterated the following to myself
1. I packed my bag to run. I am an idiot for packing it and dragging it to my office if I don't go running. (Beat up self for wasting effort; wasted effort = bad)
2. If running 2 laps around aquatic park is too hard, then I have no business doing a triathlon. (ouch! There's the pride.)
3. Running is good for me. I enjoy it and I enjoy the freedom to be able to do it. (embrace the fun and life style change)
4. No one can interupt your lunch if you are out running. (embrace the quiet time)
5. See number 2... again and again and again.
6. Visualization: For me, this is one of the strongest tools I have. Despite all that logic, Complacency is still a mighty foe. After I pondered 1 through 5, I started visualizing what I would do at noon. I would grab my bag, go to the ladies room, change, leave bag in shower area, go running. Run 2 laps. Return, etc. I continued to play this in my head like planning choreography. When my lunch break came, I didn't even think about it, I just executed the choreography. In fact, I forgot my towel because I didn't include "grab towel" in my mental choreography.
I feel like a winner because I caught and recognized the early stages of self-sabotage, I figured out how to get back on track, and then I followed through. I don't need to wail at myself in remorse or accept failure as the inevitable outcome when my motivation flags.
So I'm pondering my success and writing it down to remind myself that I know how to do this. I know how to find motivation and I know that when I lose it, I can find it again. And now I know that I can reel it back in as it's slipping away.
Side note: The run itself was not great, but I think I've actually worn out my first pair of running shoes since I got healthy. So that's 6 months of running, average of 40 miles a month.
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no subject
Date: 2008-03-20 09:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-20 10:44 pm (UTC)However, I am going to decline because I only plan to run 1 day a week and I'm in meetings leading up to that run. So logistically, it's a toughie. Also, this is something I MUST master so that if something similar happens in another part of my life, I've got the tools to cope. I can't really rely on you to call me at 10:30 at night to ask me how I'm dealing with the munchies, afterall. (which is another on-going battle.).
That said, you totally made my day! Wheeee!
no subject
Date: 2008-03-21 12:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-21 03:11 am (UTC)It's why I almost never eat lunch at my desk. It may be a short lunch, but I find somewhere else to eat. That mental break is very important to me.