Update from Crazy Land
May. 4th, 2009 09:53 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
threadwalkerBeltane was fun. Yes, wet and cold... at one point my feet were very unhappy and I was lamenting I didn't have a second pair of shoes. But I had fun. So did Super N and Miss E.
For those with whom I didn't catch up with, I'm sad. The rain and the kids kept me under cover most of the time. And the long peerage meetings... anyway, here's a Reader's Digest Life in Crazy Land:
1. F is in India for work. The two week trip ends this Friday. I'm very lonely, he's not having fun and his commentary centers around the prevalent crushing poverty. Plus, being a single parent sucks.
2. F is in India so I went totally nuts a week ago and did an HUGE spring cleaning project. (Exhaustion drowns out loneliness). As is my MO, the OCD flips into hyperdrive when he leaves me to my own devices for more than a weekend. I slept about 5 hours between Friday morning and the subsequent Sunday evening, during which I cleaned out every closet, reogranized both kids' rooms, the family room and the "always messy" cook book area of my kitchen. Yay for the powers of my OCD.
3. F is in India, so I'm working out at home with treadmill. I also got a trainer for my bike. Deathride training continues at home. Yay.
4. Not much sewing since F went overseas. In single-parent mode I have to conserve my energy and focus on the essentials. Right now sewing is not an essential, but laundry, grocery shopping and fitness is. I am, however, coaching others, which is very rewarding.
5. One of my students was added to the Queen's Artisans at Beltane. I'm very excited for her.
6. Super N had his First Communion on Sunday which is a big deal for a lot of reasons.
7. I've had a lot of work-rant stuff lately, however, since the weather is all suck, I don't really feel like bringing everyone else down as well. To quote my favorite Hobbit, "I feel like not enough butter spread across too much toast." (or something like that).
8. TV: I am using the TV to help motivate me on the treadmill, so I'm watching a lot more TV than ever before. I'm already hooked on NCIS. I also caught the movie, Sex and the City, and got hooked. The questions they bring up about relationships are not just silly "made for TV" issues. I just finished watching the 6 episodes they had on "HBO On Demand". I think I just fell into a niche with a label, but I enjoy the questions they ask.
9. I took the kids to Beltane. We'd intended to camp on Friday and the car was loaded, but I didn't have the umph to set up the tent in the rain and the dark since I know the tent leaks and I have no idea if the airmattress holds air. Thus we day tripped. However, I did prove to myself that I could pack a weekend of stuff for the 3 of us into the Volvo. Yay!
Kids and Events: Going to events with the kids is challenging. Super N is 8 and Miss E is 5. Super N is old enough to think he knows it all but gets in over his head without trying to. For example, he was caught trying to keep the camp fire going all by himself even though he'd been pre-warned not to. He, however, thought he knew what he was doing AND thought it was urgent to keep the fire going so he took it on himself to fix the situation. Miss E is 5... a kindergardener prone to big emotions and who, despite wisdom beyond her years, is a black-belt in Whine-Fu, is unpredictable and still needs boo-boo kisses. (Well, I still need boo-boo kisses..)
Anyway, I can trust them on the Eric (minus combat) to be safe and out of the way, but there are risks of boredom (which leads to whining and then everyone is unhappy), injury, and inadvertantly pissing off someone due to ignorance. But I want to take them to more events and I think they are old enough that as long as other adults realize that kids don't learn in a vaccuum (i.e. they need to go to events in order to learn about tent ropes, fire pits, and that there are invisible boundaries around campgrounds that kids shouldn't race through), the community will survive.
With that in mind I'd been planning our trip to Beltane for a while. It went amazingly well despite the rain. In fact they nagged and griped at me all night on Friday at my decision to just day trip and not camp. So "hoorah" for gumption even if they don't understand the consequences of camping in the rain.
I had my new Flemish rain slicker on and it was big enough to shelter both kids, but Miss E declared that she'd be "brave" and was not afraid of the rain or getting wet. Eventually Super N emerged from the car (which was set up to be a fort for them to retreat to) and hung with me under my slicker until he spotted some boys and then out came the foam swords and I didn't see him again until he was hungry. Both kids were dressed in tunics: cotton flannel undertunics for warmth and wool over tunics for warmth and dryness. I'm not going to break myself making hand-finished Ren and 15th century stuff for them this year. And to my chagrin, they LOVED their tunics more than either has ever liked the other fancy/fitted stuff I've made. Live and learn (and spend less time sewing!).
So the event was a success for myself and for the kids.
10. I work too much. My schedule reminds me of several of my over-achieving male fremily. I'm super grateful to have a job and I'd like to work hard enough to keep it, but 3 jobs ago I redefined personal success and my "career" is not in my personal formula. This is a total turn-around from where I was when I got my chemical engineering degree. In the 90's my goals were on the path to steady promotion, pay increase and management responsibility. Bwah-ha-ha. That was beaten out of me with extreme predjudice. I spent the first half of my career as an engineer in man-world learning this:
a. a good looking woman does better than those who are not.
b. A little cleavage and lipstick can do wonders with getting man-people to soften their approach or even change their minds if the cleavage is backed with some real brain power.
c. Because I'm a woman I will never be as successful as my male counterparts.
d. Anytime I climb a rung in the corporate ladder or shine at work I will become the biggest target in town for the small-dick club and they are mean and spiteful. It's better to be mediocre than to stand out.
e. The only women who make it to the top are good looking, super smart and have opportunities. If any of those are missing, it doesn't happen or it's a short stint.
f. If your boss does not like you, you will get fired. Don't fight it, just move on.
I got over my career dreams, which involved a lot of pain, anger and tears; there were moments when I raged about all the work I put into getting my degree and all the obstacles I had to overcome for my degree just so I could sit in the engineering nose-bleed seats and watch less talented men get promotion. In my stint as a contractor (when I had Miss E) I found peace and balance. I internalized the concept that my job is the money-maker that fuels my personal life. My definition of personal success turned towards personal fullfillment in my creative realms, in parenting and in finding opportunities to give back to the world at large. I want to be a doer of good things and someone who gives back, not just the proverbial guest at the party of life.
So to me it's extremely ironic that having become a believer in work-life balance that right now I'm more emotionally connected to my job and the work drama/politics than I am to my personal self and social life. I don't seek promotion, recognition, or kudos at work and yet I seem to have a job that has become a career and I'm being both appreciated and put to hard work. I shake my head at the whole thing. Maybe there's a bigger pattern I'm not privvy to yet. Or maybe if I hadn't gone through the process of redefining myself then I'd have lost site of my family when I was first presented with this great opportunity to become obsessed with work and with work-success. Maybe because of what I did go through I'm uniquely able to appreciate the opportunities while keeping my family firmly in focus.
Regardless, every morning as I commute to my career I reflect on the irony that the girl who stopped dreaming of the stereotypcial successful engineering career and who came to believe that her family and friends are more important than her job, is now in a situation that begs her to renew that forsaken career dream. Life is definitely the unplanned adventure.
For those with whom I didn't catch up with, I'm sad. The rain and the kids kept me under cover most of the time. And the long peerage meetings... anyway, here's a Reader's Digest Life in Crazy Land:
1. F is in India for work. The two week trip ends this Friday. I'm very lonely, he's not having fun and his commentary centers around the prevalent crushing poverty. Plus, being a single parent sucks.
2. F is in India so I went totally nuts a week ago and did an HUGE spring cleaning project. (Exhaustion drowns out loneliness). As is my MO, the OCD flips into hyperdrive when he leaves me to my own devices for more than a weekend. I slept about 5 hours between Friday morning and the subsequent Sunday evening, during which I cleaned out every closet, reogranized both kids' rooms, the family room and the "always messy" cook book area of my kitchen. Yay for the powers of my OCD.
3. F is in India, so I'm working out at home with treadmill. I also got a trainer for my bike. Deathride training continues at home. Yay.
4. Not much sewing since F went overseas. In single-parent mode I have to conserve my energy and focus on the essentials. Right now sewing is not an essential, but laundry, grocery shopping and fitness is. I am, however, coaching others, which is very rewarding.
5. One of my students was added to the Queen's Artisans at Beltane. I'm very excited for her.
6. Super N had his First Communion on Sunday which is a big deal for a lot of reasons.
7. I've had a lot of work-rant stuff lately, however, since the weather is all suck, I don't really feel like bringing everyone else down as well. To quote my favorite Hobbit, "I feel like not enough butter spread across too much toast." (or something like that).
8. TV: I am using the TV to help motivate me on the treadmill, so I'm watching a lot more TV than ever before. I'm already hooked on NCIS. I also caught the movie, Sex and the City, and got hooked. The questions they bring up about relationships are not just silly "made for TV" issues. I just finished watching the 6 episodes they had on "HBO On Demand". I think I just fell into a niche with a label, but I enjoy the questions they ask.
9. I took the kids to Beltane. We'd intended to camp on Friday and the car was loaded, but I didn't have the umph to set up the tent in the rain and the dark since I know the tent leaks and I have no idea if the airmattress holds air. Thus we day tripped. However, I did prove to myself that I could pack a weekend of stuff for the 3 of us into the Volvo. Yay!
Kids and Events: Going to events with the kids is challenging. Super N is 8 and Miss E is 5. Super N is old enough to think he knows it all but gets in over his head without trying to. For example, he was caught trying to keep the camp fire going all by himself even though he'd been pre-warned not to. He, however, thought he knew what he was doing AND thought it was urgent to keep the fire going so he took it on himself to fix the situation. Miss E is 5... a kindergardener prone to big emotions and who, despite wisdom beyond her years, is a black-belt in Whine-Fu, is unpredictable and still needs boo-boo kisses. (Well, I still need boo-boo kisses..)
Anyway, I can trust them on the Eric (minus combat) to be safe and out of the way, but there are risks of boredom (which leads to whining and then everyone is unhappy), injury, and inadvertantly pissing off someone due to ignorance. But I want to take them to more events and I think they are old enough that as long as other adults realize that kids don't learn in a vaccuum (i.e. they need to go to events in order to learn about tent ropes, fire pits, and that there are invisible boundaries around campgrounds that kids shouldn't race through), the community will survive.
With that in mind I'd been planning our trip to Beltane for a while. It went amazingly well despite the rain. In fact they nagged and griped at me all night on Friday at my decision to just day trip and not camp. So "hoorah" for gumption even if they don't understand the consequences of camping in the rain.
I had my new Flemish rain slicker on and it was big enough to shelter both kids, but Miss E declared that she'd be "brave" and was not afraid of the rain or getting wet. Eventually Super N emerged from the car (which was set up to be a fort for them to retreat to) and hung with me under my slicker until he spotted some boys and then out came the foam swords and I didn't see him again until he was hungry. Both kids were dressed in tunics: cotton flannel undertunics for warmth and wool over tunics for warmth and dryness. I'm not going to break myself making hand-finished Ren and 15th century stuff for them this year. And to my chagrin, they LOVED their tunics more than either has ever liked the other fancy/fitted stuff I've made. Live and learn (and spend less time sewing!).
So the event was a success for myself and for the kids.
10. I work too much. My schedule reminds me of several of my over-achieving male fremily. I'm super grateful to have a job and I'd like to work hard enough to keep it, but 3 jobs ago I redefined personal success and my "career" is not in my personal formula. This is a total turn-around from where I was when I got my chemical engineering degree. In the 90's my goals were on the path to steady promotion, pay increase and management responsibility. Bwah-ha-ha. That was beaten out of me with extreme predjudice. I spent the first half of my career as an engineer in man-world learning this:
a. a good looking woman does better than those who are not.
b. A little cleavage and lipstick can do wonders with getting man-people to soften their approach or even change their minds if the cleavage is backed with some real brain power.
c. Because I'm a woman I will never be as successful as my male counterparts.
d. Anytime I climb a rung in the corporate ladder or shine at work I will become the biggest target in town for the small-dick club and they are mean and spiteful. It's better to be mediocre than to stand out.
e. The only women who make it to the top are good looking, super smart and have opportunities. If any of those are missing, it doesn't happen or it's a short stint.
f. If your boss does not like you, you will get fired. Don't fight it, just move on.
I got over my career dreams, which involved a lot of pain, anger and tears; there were moments when I raged about all the work I put into getting my degree and all the obstacles I had to overcome for my degree just so I could sit in the engineering nose-bleed seats and watch less talented men get promotion. In my stint as a contractor (when I had Miss E) I found peace and balance. I internalized the concept that my job is the money-maker that fuels my personal life. My definition of personal success turned towards personal fullfillment in my creative realms, in parenting and in finding opportunities to give back to the world at large. I want to be a doer of good things and someone who gives back, not just the proverbial guest at the party of life.
So to me it's extremely ironic that having become a believer in work-life balance that right now I'm more emotionally connected to my job and the work drama/politics than I am to my personal self and social life. I don't seek promotion, recognition, or kudos at work and yet I seem to have a job that has become a career and I'm being both appreciated and put to hard work. I shake my head at the whole thing. Maybe there's a bigger pattern I'm not privvy to yet. Or maybe if I hadn't gone through the process of redefining myself then I'd have lost site of my family when I was first presented with this great opportunity to become obsessed with work and with work-success. Maybe because of what I did go through I'm uniquely able to appreciate the opportunities while keeping my family firmly in focus.
Regardless, every morning as I commute to my career I reflect on the irony that the girl who stopped dreaming of the stereotypcial successful engineering career and who came to believe that her family and friends are more important than her job, is now in a situation that begs her to renew that forsaken career dream. Life is definitely the unplanned adventure.
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no subject
Date: 2009-05-04 06:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-04 06:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-04 07:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-04 07:57 pm (UTC)I found out a-f as well. Work life sucks.
no subject
Date: 2009-05-04 08:59 pm (UTC)Also, I'm glad I skipped Beltane, but sorry I missed seeing N and E.
no subject
Date: 2009-05-04 08:35 pm (UTC)It's better than it was in the 60's though. When I got pregnant, they put me on leave the day I came in wearing a maternity smock. No bumps allowed! Hah, I fooled 'em though and managed to hide my status until the 6th month. They didn't pay for the leave either. Not one day of it.
BTW I LOVED your flemish slicker. What did they use in theirs? Oiled skins? Such a great idea!