Food and Stress and Anger

[threadwalker]

I'm blogging in the sense of "write it out so I don't eat it later on"

The only reason it isn't locked to protect you from the gore is that I know a few of my friends experience the same stress and sometimes it helps to know you're not the only one.

Stress, anger and depression all make me want to eat. I'm not really a "celebratory" eater, so it's too bad that so much of my life is soaked in negative feelings. When I feel good I want to leap about the place and when I'm feel bad I want to curl up with a box of cookies. I need to find more "good".

I know about stress and depression inspired eating.

I'm stressed at work. I ask if I am working hard enough, if I am covering my ass well enough and if I'll cross swords with management anytime soon. When I get zapped by co-workers or manufacturing, I get pissed off. I feel like they are biting the hand that feeds. I'm working harder and doing things for them to enable them to be successful, so when they smack me for interfering, or tell me I have no business in something, or rewrite history, I get pissed. I feel taken advantage of and taken for granted. I get depressed; I can't work hard enough to make a difference, so why bother?

And since I can't hit anyone, I eat. I could say something nasty and sarcastic, but that never solves anything. It helps relieve the stress in the moment but like a time bomb, blows up in my face later on.

At home there's the never-ending treadmill of chores, homework, and "others" to take care of. Last night both kids turned their noses up at the meat pies I made and I tapped out. It pisses me off when I work so hard to take care of them, rearrange what I want to do in order to provide them with fun, enriching experiences, and then get dismissed; I always ate what I was given, was grateful for the perks, and understood that throwing a fit was not acceptable. Yes, they are kids and some will say, "they are still learning how to appreciate and feel sympathy" (I've read the books on how this develops and both are "normal" kids who are on track for their biological age). HOWEVER, when I'm tired I don't want to hear complaining or the littany of "I want..." or "yuck" when I present food. So rationally I know they are "normal", but emotionally, I'm tapped out and done being generous; there's no "win" to yelling or spanking or punishing, so I hold my frustration inside.

And then what do I do with that bottled up stress, frustration and anger? I eat. I can't go work out because usually I'm home alone with them. And working out usually means changing my clothes and unlimbering stuff; the time delay is enough to turn it from stress relief to stress-inducer. I can't sit down and do anything calming because I'm too amped up to sit. Food. Food is the only thing that feels good. It provides instant gratification. It also feeds that need to lash out. I don't know why, but when I'm angry at myself or the family, I find that the urge to eat is strong. It's almost a self-fullfilling self-hate thing. But eating pisses me off, too, because I hate it when I find myself eating out of self-hate. It means I'm being controlled by my feelings and urges, not the other way around.

Occasionally I get frustrated with the scale. I'm still weighing myself, but I'm gauging myself more by my actions than the results because the healthy habits will create better results.

1. I'm blogging my stress. Mostly, I blog to myself. But writing out the frustrations as they happen (or shortly after) is very therapeutic.
2. Strictly journaling my food. That's an ongoing thing, but it's important to maintain.
3. Self-awareness. I'm a lot more self-aware of why I'm eating and working hard to keep the lense on myself. I haven't done any stress-anger-hate eating in a few weeks now since that episode of "Celebrity Fit Challenge". I keep asking myself why I'm eating when I start thinking "time to eat".
4. I've removed temptation; I've got no snack food at my desk at work and I bring a lunch full of healthy fruit/veg. At home, there's hardly any processed "fake" food.
5. Having written this out, I'm going to keep an emergency fitness bag staged in my closet so that I can throw on my gear at a moments notice. It's such an obvious solution, but for whatever reason, until I jotted this all down, I didn't realize it was a stumbling block.

Welcome to the crazy that is me. It is comforting when I find other members of this particular crazy club, so maybe others will find it comforting to see that either I'm crazier than they are OR we aren't so different.

Comments

[falzalot.livejournal.com]

{{{hugs!}}}

If I lived closer, I'd come over and watch the kids so you could go work out.

[klwilliams.livejournal.com]

I realized one day as I was driving home through rush hour traffic after a particularly stressful day that I was thinking "I want to eat" in the same way that I suspect other people think "I need a drink". I'm a stress eater, definitely. One thing that has helped, especially in the last year (after all that extra training for nidan), is that I've learned to relax when I start to get stressed. Realize that it took me sixteen years of study to be able to "just" relax in these situations, so it's easy to say but not easy to do. I think having your fitness bag handy is a great idea. So is the sentence, "If you don't like what I cooked you can go hungry." :-)

[thread-walker.livejournal.com]

So is the sentence, "If you don't like what I cooked you can go hungry." :-)

heh... that's exactly what I do. Legally, I'm required to provide a healthy meal. If they don't eat it, it's their problem. In fact, last night Miss E went to bed without eating because she refused the chicken pies topped with hand-mashed potatoes. So sad, too bad.

Thanks for sharing. eating and stress are touchy topics for many.

[klwilliams.livejournal.com]

Chicken pies with hand-mashed potatoes? Add the line, "And if you won't eat it, I'll call Karen, who will."

Me too!

[dakini-bones.livejournal.com]

<:}

[dame-cordelia.livejournal.com]

While I am not a parent, I do recall my mother providing a well balanced well cooked meal for us, and if we didn't eat it, we went hungry. She didn't put up with whiny kids who didn't like what was for dinner.

With new foods or foods we had previously not liked, we were required to eat a large tablespoon of it and finish the rest of the dinner. Otherwise there was no dessert for us. That is probably the total reason I am willing to try new foods as an adult.

[kahnegabs.livejournal.com]

I do live close, my dear. Do you want to have me come over and watch the kids so you can go work out? Just call me. I'll e-mail my number to you.

[catagon3.livejournal.com]

Mmm. Eating out of self hate. Been there enough times to get the frequent flyer miles. Fortunately not being a problem at the moment.

Keeping workout gear handy is a great idea. I'm trying to do that with my running gear so I don't have to stress as much about getting all the way home before daylight runs out.