We've had part of this chat over lunch, but just for the record ...
If someone invites you over for dinner the first time AND it's not advertised as a potluck, how do you respond?
I'll usually ask if there's something I can bring, although if they suggest wine I'll beg off on that one on the basis of extreme wine ignorance. But if they say "no", I'll take them at their word. If it seems like a semi-formal occasion (or I want to make a really good impression) I'll bring a house-present -- maybe flowers from my garden or something nibbly that they could either put out or put away.
At what point (if ever) do you offer to bring something without being prompted?
Definitely at the initial invitation -- if they're hoping I'll contribute in some way, then they need to be able to plan around it. If it's someone I have an established relationship with, then there are generally all sorts of unwritten rules. Like for holiday meals with the San Mateo relatives, one has to flat out tell my aunt that I will be providing such and such, because she feels the need to decline help but then works herself into a frazzle.
Is there some point when you invite them to your place or take them out?
To some extent this depends on the circumstances and the pre-existing relationship. For a new acquaintance/friendship, I'd say no more than two meals at their invitation before reciprocating in some way. I haven't always had the physical layout in the house for having dinner parties, but now that I do (or will once the remodelling is done) I want to be a bit more proactive. Generally I've worked more in a going-out-to-eat context. But for pre-existing friendships, relative financial circumstances get figured in, as tactfully as possible (and I've been on both sides).
When you invite someone over to your place for dinner, what do you expect?
I expect them to show up on time or early. I expect them to have let me know in advance if there are any serious food weirdnesses involved. I expect them to enjoy the food -- or make a good effort to. I expect them to participate in enjoyable conversation, which includes listening as well as talking. If they show up seriously early, I expect them to keep me company in the kitchen while I work but I don't normally expect them to pitch in unless we're talking about family. Rules are different for family.
Do your guests offer to help clean up? Do you hope they will? Do you even notice if they do any sort of clean up tasks? (clear the table, help with dishes, etc)
As mentioned above, I don't do a large volume of dinner parties (with friends), and generally I'd rather socialize after dinner than clean up immediately. If they pitch in to clear the table, that's nice (and remembered). For that matter, if we're talking about non-dinner socializing, I'm always quite appreciative of people carrying their dishes to the kitchen. Now, if we're talking large family dinners, then I expect people to pitch in both before and after. If I had to do all the dishes for a dozen-person family Christmas, I'd get really grumpy.
What do you do about that when you go to someone else's house?
I usually help to clear the table without being asked. For further help, I'll generally play it by ear. But if I'm visiting family, I'll pitch in on both prep and cleanup without being asked. (It's the mirror image of how I feel about family visiting. Ideally, the host of a family dinner should not end up swearing never to do it again. :)
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2006-10-11 04:03 am (UTC)If someone invites you over for dinner the first time AND it's not advertised as a potluck, how do you respond?
I'll usually ask if there's something I can bring, although if they suggest wine I'll beg off on that one on the basis of extreme wine ignorance. But if they say "no", I'll take them at their word. If it seems like a semi-formal occasion (or I want to make a really good impression) I'll bring a house-present -- maybe flowers from my garden or something nibbly that they could either put out or put away.
At what point (if ever) do you offer to bring something without being prompted?
Definitely at the initial invitation -- if they're hoping I'll contribute in some way, then they need to be able to plan around it. If it's someone I have an established relationship with, then there are generally all sorts of unwritten rules. Like for holiday meals with the San Mateo relatives, one has to flat out tell my aunt that I will be providing such and such, because she feels the need to decline help but then works herself into a frazzle.
Is there some point when you invite them to your place or take them out?
To some extent this depends on the circumstances and the pre-existing relationship. For a new acquaintance/friendship, I'd say no more than two meals at their invitation before reciprocating in some way. I haven't always had the physical layout in the house for having dinner parties, but now that I do (or will once the remodelling is done) I want to be a bit more proactive. Generally I've worked more in a going-out-to-eat context. But for pre-existing friendships, relative financial circumstances get figured in, as tactfully as possible (and I've been on both sides).
When you invite someone over to your place for dinner, what do you expect?
I expect them to show up on time or early. I expect them to have let me know in advance if there are any serious food weirdnesses involved. I expect them to enjoy the food -- or make a good effort to. I expect them to participate in enjoyable conversation, which includes listening as well as talking. If they show up seriously early, I expect them to keep me company in the kitchen while I work but I don't normally expect them to pitch in unless we're talking about family. Rules are different for family.
Do your guests offer to help clean up? Do you hope they will? Do you even notice if they do any sort of clean up tasks? (clear the table, help with dishes, etc)
As mentioned above, I don't do a large volume of dinner parties (with friends), and generally I'd rather socialize after dinner than clean up immediately. If they pitch in to clear the table, that's nice (and remembered). For that matter, if we're talking about non-dinner socializing, I'm always quite appreciative of people carrying their dishes to the kitchen. Now, if we're talking large family dinners, then I expect people to pitch in both before and after. If I had to do all the dishes for a dozen-person family Christmas, I'd get really grumpy.
What do you do about that when you go to someone else's house?
I usually help to clear the table without being asked. For further help, I'll generally play it by ear. But if I'm visiting family, I'll pitch in on both prep and cleanup without being asked. (It's the mirror image of how I feel about family visiting. Ideally, the host of a family dinner should not end up swearing never to do it again. :)