Just Curious - what were you taught?
Oct. 10th, 2006 02:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
threadwalkerI'm curious - what were you taught?
This is regarding a lot of internal pondering about hospitality and expectations.
If someone invites you over for dinner the first time AND it's not advertised as a potluck, how do you respond?
At what point (if ever) do you offer to bring something without being prompted?
Is there some point when you invite them to your place or take them out?
When you invite someone over to your place for dinner, what do you expect?
Do your guests offer to help clean up? Do you hope they will? Do you even notice if they do any sort of clean up tasks? (clear the table, help with dishes, etc)
What do you do about that when you go to someone else's house?
My thoughts - behind cut so that you can ponder your own thoughts without being swayed by mine
When I'm invited the first time somewhere, I don't assume anything. I ask if it's a potluck or if I can bring something. It's too embarrassing to show up empty handed. My parents always brought a bottle of wine, so I was raised to assume I should bring something for the host or hostess. It's not always a bottle of wine because not everyone drinks; we try to bring something appropriate.
Generally, I try to be part of the clean up effort. It's what mom did and what she taught me as the right thing to do.
At my house, it's usually a potluck, so people rarely have to guess. There are times when I insist on doing all the cooking, but not often. Christmas Eve we'll do our "nostalgia potluck" again and I'll fill in the gaps.
The exception to this is the following: There are a few clueless (male) bachelors that come over on a regular basis for dinner; anywhere from once a month to 2x a week depending on how busy we are and whether we have the bandwidth to have guests. I've known these guys for about 15 years. Since Evie was born I have made a habit of specifically asking them to bring something and I've told them that if they bring X, then they may come over. Otherwise they were eating everything in site and leaving their cups and plates all over; I was now "out" the leftovers I was planning for and the mess was that much bigger. Sorry - I have one husband and 2 kids - I don't need two more "kids" to clean up after and to feed. So now I insist that they be responsible for providing some of the food. I have learned that usually I can trust them to bring cookies or a "bag o' salad"; trial and error has taught me that leaving anything cooked up to them is a bad thing. Sometimes, if I have all the food covered and they've called at 5pm and want to come over at 6:30 (and I have enough food), I'll have them pick up whatever I forgot at the store last time around - milk or soda or something. This is my way of teaching them to not take me for granted. And for their part they seem to feel pleased at being able to say they didn't free-load off us. In fact, one has been making a point of bringing meat product to share for the bigger potlucks. ...So the experiment is working. LOL.
Cleanup: I ususally assume it's on me. My kitchen is only so big. However, I always appreciate it when someone helps out or at least hangs out with me while I scrape plates and wash dishes. When someone jumps in and starts washing, I am overwhelmed with gratitude and guilt.
Inviting someone back: I was programmed to reciprocate immediately. This is adhered to more staunchly when it's someone newish to my life. When it's "family", it's not as critical. The family "credits" get to a certain point where there is no more need to invite someone back out of thanks because the generocity and love just flow; in fact, I've been known to call some family and say, "I want to throw a party to thank you, but it will need to be at your place because yours is bigger and you have the cool stereo". hahaha!
This is regarding a lot of internal pondering about hospitality and expectations.
If someone invites you over for dinner the first time AND it's not advertised as a potluck, how do you respond?
At what point (if ever) do you offer to bring something without being prompted?
Is there some point when you invite them to your place or take them out?
When you invite someone over to your place for dinner, what do you expect?
Do your guests offer to help clean up? Do you hope they will? Do you even notice if they do any sort of clean up tasks? (clear the table, help with dishes, etc)
What do you do about that when you go to someone else's house?
My thoughts - behind cut so that you can ponder your own thoughts without being swayed by mine
When I'm invited the first time somewhere, I don't assume anything. I ask if it's a potluck or if I can bring something. It's too embarrassing to show up empty handed. My parents always brought a bottle of wine, so I was raised to assume I should bring something for the host or hostess. It's not always a bottle of wine because not everyone drinks; we try to bring something appropriate.
Generally, I try to be part of the clean up effort. It's what mom did and what she taught me as the right thing to do.
At my house, it's usually a potluck, so people rarely have to guess. There are times when I insist on doing all the cooking, but not often. Christmas Eve we'll do our "nostalgia potluck" again and I'll fill in the gaps.
The exception to this is the following: There are a few clueless (male) bachelors that come over on a regular basis for dinner; anywhere from once a month to 2x a week depending on how busy we are and whether we have the bandwidth to have guests. I've known these guys for about 15 years. Since Evie was born I have made a habit of specifically asking them to bring something and I've told them that if they bring X, then they may come over. Otherwise they were eating everything in site and leaving their cups and plates all over; I was now "out" the leftovers I was planning for and the mess was that much bigger. Sorry - I have one husband and 2 kids - I don't need two more "kids" to clean up after and to feed. So now I insist that they be responsible for providing some of the food. I have learned that usually I can trust them to bring cookies or a "bag o' salad"; trial and error has taught me that leaving anything cooked up to them is a bad thing. Sometimes, if I have all the food covered and they've called at 5pm and want to come over at 6:30 (and I have enough food), I'll have them pick up whatever I forgot at the store last time around - milk or soda or something. This is my way of teaching them to not take me for granted. And for their part they seem to feel pleased at being able to say they didn't free-load off us. In fact, one has been making a point of bringing meat product to share for the bigger potlucks. ...So the experiment is working. LOL.
Cleanup: I ususally assume it's on me. My kitchen is only so big. However, I always appreciate it when someone helps out or at least hangs out with me while I scrape plates and wash dishes. When someone jumps in and starts washing, I am overwhelmed with gratitude and guilt.
Inviting someone back: I was programmed to reciprocate immediately. This is adhered to more staunchly when it's someone newish to my life. When it's "family", it's not as critical. The family "credits" get to a certain point where there is no more need to invite someone back out of thanks because the generocity and love just flow; in fact, I've been known to call some family and say, "I want to throw a party to thank you, but it will need to be at your place because yours is bigger and you have the cool stereo". hahaha!
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Date: 2006-10-11 04:03 am (UTC)If someone invites you over for dinner the first time AND it's not advertised as a potluck, how do you respond?
I'll usually ask if there's something I can bring, although if they suggest wine I'll beg off on that one on the basis of extreme wine ignorance. But if they say "no", I'll take them at their word. If it seems like a semi-formal occasion (or I want to make a really good impression) I'll bring a house-present -- maybe flowers from my garden or something nibbly that they could either put out or put away.
At what point (if ever) do you offer to bring something without being prompted?
Definitely at the initial invitation -- if they're hoping I'll contribute in some way, then they need to be able to plan around it. If it's someone I have an established relationship with, then there are generally all sorts of unwritten rules. Like for holiday meals with the San Mateo relatives, one has to flat out tell my aunt that I will be providing such and such, because she feels the need to decline help but then works herself into a frazzle.
Is there some point when you invite them to your place or take them out?
To some extent this depends on the circumstances and the pre-existing relationship. For a new acquaintance/friendship, I'd say no more than two meals at their invitation before reciprocating in some way. I haven't always had the physical layout in the house for having dinner parties, but now that I do (or will once the remodelling is done) I want to be a bit more proactive. Generally I've worked more in a going-out-to-eat context. But for pre-existing friendships, relative financial circumstances get figured in, as tactfully as possible (and I've been on both sides).
When you invite someone over to your place for dinner, what do you expect?
I expect them to show up on time or early. I expect them to have let me know in advance if there are any serious food weirdnesses involved. I expect them to enjoy the food -- or make a good effort to. I expect them to participate in enjoyable conversation, which includes listening as well as talking. If they show up seriously early, I expect them to keep me company in the kitchen while I work but I don't normally expect them to pitch in unless we're talking about family. Rules are different for family.
Do your guests offer to help clean up? Do you hope they will? Do you even notice if they do any sort of clean up tasks? (clear the table, help with dishes, etc)
As mentioned above, I don't do a large volume of dinner parties (with friends), and generally I'd rather socialize after dinner than clean up immediately. If they pitch in to clear the table, that's nice (and remembered). For that matter, if we're talking about non-dinner socializing, I'm always quite appreciative of people carrying their dishes to the kitchen. Now, if we're talking large family dinners, then I expect people to pitch in both before and after. If I had to do all the dishes for a dozen-person family Christmas, I'd get really grumpy.
What do you do about that when you go to someone else's house?
I usually help to clear the table without being asked. For further help, I'll generally play it by ear. But if I'm visiting family, I'll pitch in on both prep and cleanup without being asked. (It's the mirror image of how I feel about family visiting. Ideally, the host of a family dinner should not end up swearing never to do it again. :)