Just Curious - what were you taught?

[threadwalker]

I'm curious - what were you taught?

This is regarding a lot of internal pondering about hospitality and expectations.

If someone invites you over for dinner the first time AND it's not advertised as a potluck, how do you respond?

At what point (if ever) do you offer to bring something without being prompted?

Is there some point when you invite them to your place or take them out?

When you invite someone over to your place for dinner, what do you expect?

Do your guests offer to help clean up? Do you hope they will? Do you even notice if they do any sort of clean up tasks? (clear the table, help with dishes, etc)

What do you do about that when you go to someone else's house?

My thoughts - behind cut so that you can ponder your own thoughts without being swayed by mine

When I'm invited the first time somewhere, I don't assume anything. I ask if it's a potluck or if I can bring something. It's too embarrassing to show up empty handed. My parents always brought a bottle of wine, so I was raised to assume I should bring something for the host or hostess. It's not always a bottle of wine because not everyone drinks; we try to bring something appropriate.

Generally, I try to be part of the clean up effort. It's what mom did and what she taught me as the right thing to do.

At my house, it's usually a potluck, so people rarely have to guess. There are times when I insist on doing all the cooking, but not often. Christmas Eve we'll do our "nostalgia potluck" again and I'll fill in the gaps.

The exception to this is the following: There are a few clueless (male) bachelors that come over on a regular basis for dinner; anywhere from once a month to 2x a week depending on how busy we are and whether we have the bandwidth to have guests. I've known these guys for about 15 years. Since Evie was born I have made a habit of specifically asking them to bring something and I've told them that if they bring X, then they may come over. Otherwise they were eating everything in site and leaving their cups and plates all over; I was now "out" the leftovers I was planning for and the mess was that much bigger. Sorry - I have one husband and 2 kids - I don't need two more "kids" to clean up after and to feed. So now I insist that they be responsible for providing some of the food. I have learned that usually I can trust them to bring cookies or a "bag o' salad"; trial and error has taught me that leaving anything cooked up to them is a bad thing. Sometimes, if I have all the food covered and they've called at 5pm and want to come over at 6:30 (and I have enough food), I'll have them pick up whatever I forgot at the store last time around - milk or soda or something. This is my way of teaching them to not take me for granted. And for their part they seem to feel pleased at being able to say they didn't free-load off us. In fact, one has been making a point of bringing meat product to share for the bigger potlucks. ...So the experiment is working. LOL.

Cleanup: I ususally assume it's on me. My kitchen is only so big. However, I always appreciate it when someone helps out or at least hangs out with me while I scrape plates and wash dishes. When someone jumps in and starts washing, I am overwhelmed with gratitude and guilt.

Inviting someone back: I was programmed to reciprocate immediately. This is adhered to more staunchly when it's someone newish to my life. When it's "family", it's not as critical. The family "credits" get to a certain point where there is no more need to invite someone back out of thanks because the generocity and love just flow; in fact, I've been known to call some family and say, "I want to throw a party to thank you, but it will need to be at your place because yours is bigger and you have the cool stereo". hahaha!

Comments

[falzalot.livejournal.com]

For dinners, I almost always ask what they'd like me to bring (almost meaning I ~think~ I always do, but I'm sure there's at least one exception somebody will rub my nose in if I say so *g*). So I guess there's no prompting necessary.

I invite people over/take them out at pretty much the same rate they do for me. My house is always a mess and I'm a crappy cook, so I usually don't just invite people out of the blue. :-> Well, except for fannish vid-watching parties, because my TV kicks fannish-butt.

I don't expect people to help clean up, but I totally love it when they do. That said, depending on my mood, sometimes I just want to flop out and let somebody else do the cleaning up, so I may not always offer, or if I do, I'm really quick to take advantage when they say, "oooh, no, you don't have to do that!" But hey - it's my karmic payback for all the f'ing dishes I had to wash when I was younger! :->

[ermine-rat.livejournal.com]

Usally when I get invited to a party, they specify what should be brought, or if nothing is expected.

For parties I usually bring whatever it is I intend to drink, though I do dither on whether to bring the excess home with me, or leave it there. Some folks don't want their fridge clogged with Diet Pepsi or Fresca that they will never drink. Respectively, I don't need a fridge full of booze (that I won't drink) left at my house.

Generally, dinner functions are pretty specific about what needs to be brought. Bring salad, bring something to BBQ, bring chips and soda, bring dessert, simple commands work well with those of the Y Chromosome. If you decline to ask me at the time of the invitation, I do not feel guilty and sleep well afterwards.

Helping out is always polite, though I usually try to stay out of the way when I sense there is a plan I might be obstructing.

Invitations

[broider-barones.livejournal.com]

I always try to offer to bring something. Even if I'm turned down, I'll bring something -- used to be called a "Hostess Gift" - usually an appropriate consumable.

I am bad about doing the reciprocal thing. We host a couple large parties - a barbecue and about every 5 years a holiday party. I tend to invite people to those. I am out of the habit of doing small dinner parties, but want to get back to doing them. I am awful about the followup call or thank-you note, but do try.

I don't expect people to help clean up, but will usually accept some level of help. Since I'm picky about how things are done (like don't stack the dishes -- something about vintage china...), and I don't expect people to do things my way, I usually don't expect help. In the reverse, I feel that I should help, but the best help I can be is to not get in the way. I usually quietly bus dishes to the kitchen if I can.

Expectations - I expect my guests to be respectful of my stuff - ie don't throw it around. I expect guests to be reasonably on time for set time parties - like dinner - or call if seriously delayed. I expect guests to be reasonably good company and interact with others present. I hope my guests will enjoy themselves and accept the effort I put into making the experience special for everyone as my "gift". Always, I try to be the best hostess or guest I can be.

Having said that, my parents were older - more of your grandparents generation so my "rule book" may be a bit dated.

[fighter-chick.livejournal.com]

1. Depends on who's issuing the invitation. Default: I ask, upon receiving the invitation, if there's anything I can bring. For a family holiday dinner: I bring what I'm told to bring. For a casual dinner at Mom's: I bring either nothing or a bottle of wine.

I'm sure there have been times when I've forgotten to ask. :(

2. As often as possible/I remember.
3. Sometimes at the end of the evening. Sometimes later. Sometimes I ask first. But then, cooking for people is one of my "things". I've fed just about everyone in my life who hasn't run away fast enough.
4. Them to RSVP in some form before they show up. In specific circumstances I expect a critique of the food.
5. Some guests help clean up. Others don't. I will sometimes ask frequent diners for help in clean up or prep. Yes, I notice help. People who help are likely to be asked back.
6. Not as much as I should. I help to clear reasonably often, but I don't help with dishes as much as I might. (I hate doing dishes.) I tend to offer to help with prep if I show up in time.

I've also put on (always with a partner) Serious Dinner Parties(tm) for select people and occasions (SDP = 4 or more courses). Invites to those are somewhat tougher to come by and the rules are different. Guests are not encouraged to help with prep, though help with dishes may actually be required. Guests are discouraged from bringing food or wine. (Menus are planned and wines may be specifically paired in advance.) Unexpected wine is accepted as a "host gift" and cellared. Applications to help with prep are considered in advance.

[aastg.livejournal.com]

If it's not a potluck, I assume they're feeding me, and that they want to. I always offer to bring something, like wine or a dessert. If it's someone we don't have an Established Dining Relationship with, I'll bring wine anyway. Himself likes to cook, so we usuall do that when people come over, but sometimes we go out especially if we all feel like Chinese Food. When I invite someone over it's because I want to, and if they feel like bringing something extra it's always nice but never required or expected, unless arrangements are made ahead of time. Some guests ask to help clean up, but again, I didn't invite them over to do housework - but the offer is nice. I always ask to help clean up if it's a big dinner party. Finally, there is one rule at my house, and it's easy: DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE.

All of this is pretty much how I was raised - my Mom bequeathed me her hostess-freakiness (everything must be PERFECT!).

A question back at you, since we're on the subject: what do you do when the food you're being served is horrible? (Not horrible as in "I'm allergic!", but horrible as in "this is swill!") Are your personal rules different at SCA feasts?

[beanolc.livejournal.com]

If someone invites you over for dinner the first time AND it's not advertised as a potluck, how do you respond?
My first question always is "what can I bring?" There are instances when I don't ask, because in some familiar relationships the response is always "nothing." When that's the case, I bring a bottle of vino or a 6-pack of beer.

At what point (if ever) do you offer to bring something without being prompted?
I think right at the invite.

Is there some point when you invite them to your place or take them out?
Yep, I try to. I don't keep score, and fear sometimes I fail miserably at the reciprocal thing. My life has been so frantic thanks to careers and school, it's gotten difficult sometimes.

When you invite someone over to your place for dinner, what do you expect?
Be on time or early, but not too early. If you're family, and you come too early, that's okay... you'll just be put to work. :)
Don't flake and not call. If something comes up, try to let us know in advance; but jeez, we all know life happens. If you're running late, call. Yes, I've been known to call when we're 5 minutes late... I don't expect others to be as freaky as we are, but make an effort.
You don't have to bring anything unless it's potluck, but your offerings won't be rejected if you want to bring something.
It's always okay to offer to help clean up. But if I turn you down, it's 'cause I'd rather be social away from the dishes, capice?
And this is general: Always ask first before bringing someone I didn't specifically invite (and that includes kids). Sometimes I don't want to entertain the household, or your (general, again) cousin from out of town, or even your (really, still general!!!) kids. ;-) Spouses/partners get an automatic inclusion in the invite.

Do your guests offer to help clean up? Do you hope they will? Do you even notice if they do any sort of clean up tasks? (clear the table, help with dishes, etc)
I'm always pleased as punch when my guests pitch in. It's usually not expected. And yes, I always notice.

What do you do about that when you go to someone else's house?
I *always* offer, but if my host says no, then I back away. I have a dear friend who is pathological about allowing anyone in her kitchen. It freaks her out. I will still always offer to help her, but she knows it's because I'm wired that way. The funny thing is that she loves to help me out in my kitchen. Go figure.

[hrj.livejournal.com]

We've had part of this chat over lunch, but just for the record ...

If someone invites you over for dinner the first time AND it's not advertised as a potluck, how do you respond?

I'll usually ask if there's something I can bring, although if they suggest wine I'll beg off on that one on the basis of extreme wine ignorance. But if they say "no", I'll take them at their word. If it seems like a semi-formal occasion (or I want to make a really good impression) I'll bring a house-present -- maybe flowers from my garden or something nibbly that they could either put out or put away.

At what point (if ever) do you offer to bring something without being prompted?

Definitely at the initial invitation -- if they're hoping I'll contribute in some way, then they need to be able to plan around it. If it's someone I have an established relationship with, then there are generally all sorts of unwritten rules. Like for holiday meals with the San Mateo relatives, one has to flat out tell my aunt that I will be providing such and such, because she feels the need to decline help but then works herself into a frazzle.

Is there some point when you invite them to your place or take them out?

To some extent this depends on the circumstances and the pre-existing relationship. For a new acquaintance/friendship, I'd say no more than two meals at their invitation before reciprocating in some way. I haven't always had the physical layout in the house for having dinner parties, but now that I do (or will once the remodelling is done) I want to be a bit more proactive. Generally I've worked more in a going-out-to-eat context. But for pre-existing friendships, relative financial circumstances get figured in, as tactfully as possible (and I've been on both sides).

When you invite someone over to your place for dinner, what do you expect?

I expect them to show up on time or early. I expect them to have let me know in advance if there are any serious food weirdnesses involved. I expect them to enjoy the food -- or make a good effort to. I expect them to participate in enjoyable conversation, which includes listening as well as talking. If they show up seriously early, I expect them to keep me company in the kitchen while I work but I don't normally expect them to pitch in unless we're talking about family. Rules are different for family.

Do your guests offer to help clean up? Do you hope they will? Do you even notice if they do any sort of clean up tasks? (clear the table, help with dishes, etc)

As mentioned above, I don't do a large volume of dinner parties (with friends), and generally I'd rather socialize after dinner than clean up immediately. If they pitch in to clear the table, that's nice (and remembered). For that matter, if we're talking about non-dinner socializing, I'm always quite appreciative of people carrying their dishes to the kitchen. Now, if we're talking large family dinners, then I expect people to pitch in both before and after. If I had to do all the dishes for a dozen-person family Christmas, I'd get really grumpy.

What do you do about that when you go to someone else's house?

I usually help to clear the table without being asked. For further help, I'll generally play it by ear. But if I'm visiting family, I'll pitch in on both prep and cleanup without being asked. (It's the mirror image of how I feel about family visiting. Ideally, the host of a family dinner should not end up swearing never to do it again. :)

[xrian.livejournal.com]

Fascinating.

The way I was brought up, guests is guests and potlucks is potlucks, and never the twain shall meet. If someone I don't know well invites me to come over for dinner, I assume they're feeding me: if they said something like "Let's get together and do some dinner" or "Come to my potluck" I would have different assumptions.

But then, I consider myself to be a total social bonehead when it comes to anything resembling cooking or kitchens. My mother never let me help in the kitchen and, in fact, never required any of us kids to do housework (except to pick up our own rooms), and it still shows. I keep trying to convince myself that it's not all done by little elves, but it takes conscious effort for me to think of these things. (Staying overnight at someone else's house is different, though. If I don't know them well I always, always bring a hostess-gift.)

I'm happy to sit and keep someone company while they're cooking or doing dishes, but I generally feel too awkward to offer to help -- I feel like I'd probably just be in the way, especially since I don't have the instinct for finding my way around in other people's kitchens.

OTOH, ask me to do something and I'll be happy to. And if I'm at someone's house enough to actually learn where things are in their kitchen and how they like things done, I might get brave enough to try to pitch in.