Just Curious - what were you taught?

[threadwalker]

I'm curious - what were you taught?

This is regarding a lot of internal pondering about hospitality and expectations.

If someone invites you over for dinner the first time AND it's not advertised as a potluck, how do you respond?

At what point (if ever) do you offer to bring something without being prompted?

Is there some point when you invite them to your place or take them out?

When you invite someone over to your place for dinner, what do you expect?

Do your guests offer to help clean up? Do you hope they will? Do you even notice if they do any sort of clean up tasks? (clear the table, help with dishes, etc)

What do you do about that when you go to someone else's house?

My thoughts - behind cut so that you can ponder your own thoughts without being swayed by mine

When I'm invited the first time somewhere, I don't assume anything. I ask if it's a potluck or if I can bring something. It's too embarrassing to show up empty handed. My parents always brought a bottle of wine, so I was raised to assume I should bring something for the host or hostess. It's not always a bottle of wine because not everyone drinks; we try to bring something appropriate.

Generally, I try to be part of the clean up effort. It's what mom did and what she taught me as the right thing to do.

At my house, it's usually a potluck, so people rarely have to guess. There are times when I insist on doing all the cooking, but not often. Christmas Eve we'll do our "nostalgia potluck" again and I'll fill in the gaps.

The exception to this is the following: There are a few clueless (male) bachelors that come over on a regular basis for dinner; anywhere from once a month to 2x a week depending on how busy we are and whether we have the bandwidth to have guests. I've known these guys for about 15 years. Since Evie was born I have made a habit of specifically asking them to bring something and I've told them that if they bring X, then they may come over. Otherwise they were eating everything in site and leaving their cups and plates all over; I was now "out" the leftovers I was planning for and the mess was that much bigger. Sorry - I have one husband and 2 kids - I don't need two more "kids" to clean up after and to feed. So now I insist that they be responsible for providing some of the food. I have learned that usually I can trust them to bring cookies or a "bag o' salad"; trial and error has taught me that leaving anything cooked up to them is a bad thing. Sometimes, if I have all the food covered and they've called at 5pm and want to come over at 6:30 (and I have enough food), I'll have them pick up whatever I forgot at the store last time around - milk or soda or something. This is my way of teaching them to not take me for granted. And for their part they seem to feel pleased at being able to say they didn't free-load off us. In fact, one has been making a point of bringing meat product to share for the bigger potlucks. ...So the experiment is working. LOL.

Cleanup: I ususally assume it's on me. My kitchen is only so big. However, I always appreciate it when someone helps out or at least hangs out with me while I scrape plates and wash dishes. When someone jumps in and starts washing, I am overwhelmed with gratitude and guilt.

Inviting someone back: I was programmed to reciprocate immediately. This is adhered to more staunchly when it's someone newish to my life. When it's "family", it's not as critical. The family "credits" get to a certain point where there is no more need to invite someone back out of thanks because the generocity and love just flow; in fact, I've been known to call some family and say, "I want to throw a party to thank you, but it will need to be at your place because yours is bigger and you have the cool stereo". hahaha!

Comments

[fighter-chick.livejournal.com]

1. Depends on who's issuing the invitation. Default: I ask, upon receiving the invitation, if there's anything I can bring. For a family holiday dinner: I bring what I'm told to bring. For a casual dinner at Mom's: I bring either nothing or a bottle of wine.

I'm sure there have been times when I've forgotten to ask. :(

2. As often as possible/I remember.
3. Sometimes at the end of the evening. Sometimes later. Sometimes I ask first. But then, cooking for people is one of my "things". I've fed just about everyone in my life who hasn't run away fast enough.
4. Them to RSVP in some form before they show up. In specific circumstances I expect a critique of the food.
5. Some guests help clean up. Others don't. I will sometimes ask frequent diners for help in clean up or prep. Yes, I notice help. People who help are likely to be asked back.
6. Not as much as I should. I help to clear reasonably often, but I don't help with dishes as much as I might. (I hate doing dishes.) I tend to offer to help with prep if I show up in time.

I've also put on (always with a partner) Serious Dinner Parties(tm) for select people and occasions (SDP = 4 or more courses). Invites to those are somewhat tougher to come by and the rules are different. Guests are not encouraged to help with prep, though help with dishes may actually be required. Guests are discouraged from bringing food or wine. (Menus are planned and wines may be specifically paired in advance.) Unexpected wine is accepted as a "host gift" and cellared. Applications to help with prep are considered in advance.

[fighter-chick.livejournal.com]

Side note: I learned family rules from family, and picked up some basic etiquette there as well. But my parents don't entertain friends often at all. (Like twice a year is a banner year.) Frankly, they don't have many close friends. Casual dinner get-togethers do not happen in their world, either giving or receiving. I picked up my "rules" for those elsewhere, or made them up, as an adult.