Just Curious - what were you taught?
Oct. 10th, 2006 02:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
threadwalkerI'm curious - what were you taught?
This is regarding a lot of internal pondering about hospitality and expectations.
If someone invites you over for dinner the first time AND it's not advertised as a potluck, how do you respond?
At what point (if ever) do you offer to bring something without being prompted?
Is there some point when you invite them to your place or take them out?
When you invite someone over to your place for dinner, what do you expect?
Do your guests offer to help clean up? Do you hope they will? Do you even notice if they do any sort of clean up tasks? (clear the table, help with dishes, etc)
What do you do about that when you go to someone else's house?
My thoughts - behind cut so that you can ponder your own thoughts without being swayed by mine
When I'm invited the first time somewhere, I don't assume anything. I ask if it's a potluck or if I can bring something. It's too embarrassing to show up empty handed. My parents always brought a bottle of wine, so I was raised to assume I should bring something for the host or hostess. It's not always a bottle of wine because not everyone drinks; we try to bring something appropriate.
Generally, I try to be part of the clean up effort. It's what mom did and what she taught me as the right thing to do.
At my house, it's usually a potluck, so people rarely have to guess. There are times when I insist on doing all the cooking, but not often. Christmas Eve we'll do our "nostalgia potluck" again and I'll fill in the gaps.
The exception to this is the following: There are a few clueless (male) bachelors that come over on a regular basis for dinner; anywhere from once a month to 2x a week depending on how busy we are and whether we have the bandwidth to have guests. I've known these guys for about 15 years. Since Evie was born I have made a habit of specifically asking them to bring something and I've told them that if they bring X, then they may come over. Otherwise they were eating everything in site and leaving their cups and plates all over; I was now "out" the leftovers I was planning for and the mess was that much bigger. Sorry - I have one husband and 2 kids - I don't need two more "kids" to clean up after and to feed. So now I insist that they be responsible for providing some of the food. I have learned that usually I can trust them to bring cookies or a "bag o' salad"; trial and error has taught me that leaving anything cooked up to them is a bad thing. Sometimes, if I have all the food covered and they've called at 5pm and want to come over at 6:30 (and I have enough food), I'll have them pick up whatever I forgot at the store last time around - milk or soda or something. This is my way of teaching them to not take me for granted. And for their part they seem to feel pleased at being able to say they didn't free-load off us. In fact, one has been making a point of bringing meat product to share for the bigger potlucks. ...So the experiment is working. LOL.
Cleanup: I ususally assume it's on me. My kitchen is only so big. However, I always appreciate it when someone helps out or at least hangs out with me while I scrape plates and wash dishes. When someone jumps in and starts washing, I am overwhelmed with gratitude and guilt.
Inviting someone back: I was programmed to reciprocate immediately. This is adhered to more staunchly when it's someone newish to my life. When it's "family", it's not as critical. The family "credits" get to a certain point where there is no more need to invite someone back out of thanks because the generocity and love just flow; in fact, I've been known to call some family and say, "I want to throw a party to thank you, but it will need to be at your place because yours is bigger and you have the cool stereo". hahaha!
This is regarding a lot of internal pondering about hospitality and expectations.
If someone invites you over for dinner the first time AND it's not advertised as a potluck, how do you respond?
At what point (if ever) do you offer to bring something without being prompted?
Is there some point when you invite them to your place or take them out?
When you invite someone over to your place for dinner, what do you expect?
Do your guests offer to help clean up? Do you hope they will? Do you even notice if they do any sort of clean up tasks? (clear the table, help with dishes, etc)
What do you do about that when you go to someone else's house?
My thoughts - behind cut so that you can ponder your own thoughts without being swayed by mine
When I'm invited the first time somewhere, I don't assume anything. I ask if it's a potluck or if I can bring something. It's too embarrassing to show up empty handed. My parents always brought a bottle of wine, so I was raised to assume I should bring something for the host or hostess. It's not always a bottle of wine because not everyone drinks; we try to bring something appropriate.
Generally, I try to be part of the clean up effort. It's what mom did and what she taught me as the right thing to do.
At my house, it's usually a potluck, so people rarely have to guess. There are times when I insist on doing all the cooking, but not often. Christmas Eve we'll do our "nostalgia potluck" again and I'll fill in the gaps.
The exception to this is the following: There are a few clueless (male) bachelors that come over on a regular basis for dinner; anywhere from once a month to 2x a week depending on how busy we are and whether we have the bandwidth to have guests. I've known these guys for about 15 years. Since Evie was born I have made a habit of specifically asking them to bring something and I've told them that if they bring X, then they may come over. Otherwise they were eating everything in site and leaving their cups and plates all over; I was now "out" the leftovers I was planning for and the mess was that much bigger. Sorry - I have one husband and 2 kids - I don't need two more "kids" to clean up after and to feed. So now I insist that they be responsible for providing some of the food. I have learned that usually I can trust them to bring cookies or a "bag o' salad"; trial and error has taught me that leaving anything cooked up to them is a bad thing. Sometimes, if I have all the food covered and they've called at 5pm and want to come over at 6:30 (and I have enough food), I'll have them pick up whatever I forgot at the store last time around - milk or soda or something. This is my way of teaching them to not take me for granted. And for their part they seem to feel pleased at being able to say they didn't free-load off us. In fact, one has been making a point of bringing meat product to share for the bigger potlucks. ...So the experiment is working. LOL.
Cleanup: I ususally assume it's on me. My kitchen is only so big. However, I always appreciate it when someone helps out or at least hangs out with me while I scrape plates and wash dishes. When someone jumps in and starts washing, I am overwhelmed with gratitude and guilt.
Inviting someone back: I was programmed to reciprocate immediately. This is adhered to more staunchly when it's someone newish to my life. When it's "family", it's not as critical. The family "credits" get to a certain point where there is no more need to invite someone back out of thanks because the generocity and love just flow; in fact, I've been known to call some family and say, "I want to throw a party to thank you, but it will need to be at your place because yours is bigger and you have the cool stereo". hahaha!
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no subject
Date: 2006-10-11 05:07 am (UTC)The way I was brought up, guests is guests and potlucks is potlucks, and never the twain shall meet. If someone I don't know well invites me to come over for dinner, I assume they're feeding me: if they said something like "Let's get together and do some dinner" or "Come to my potluck" I would have different assumptions.
But then, I consider myself to be a total social bonehead when it comes to anything resembling cooking or kitchens. My mother never let me help in the kitchen and, in fact, never required any of us kids to do housework (except to pick up our own rooms), and it still shows. I keep trying to convince myself that it's not all done by little elves, but it takes conscious effort for me to think of these things. (Staying overnight at someone else's house is different, though. If I don't know them well I always, always bring a hostess-gift.)
I'm happy to sit and keep someone company while they're cooking or doing dishes, but I generally feel too awkward to offer to help -- I feel like I'd probably just be in the way, especially since I don't have the instinct for finding my way around in other people's kitchens.
OTOH, ask me to do something and I'll be happy to. And if I'm at someone's house enough to actually learn where things are in their kitchen and how they like things done, I might get brave enough to try to pitch in.