Just Curious - what were you taught?
Oct. 10th, 2006 02:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
threadwalkerI'm curious - what were you taught?
This is regarding a lot of internal pondering about hospitality and expectations.
If someone invites you over for dinner the first time AND it's not advertised as a potluck, how do you respond?
At what point (if ever) do you offer to bring something without being prompted?
Is there some point when you invite them to your place or take them out?
When you invite someone over to your place for dinner, what do you expect?
Do your guests offer to help clean up? Do you hope they will? Do you even notice if they do any sort of clean up tasks? (clear the table, help with dishes, etc)
What do you do about that when you go to someone else's house?
My thoughts - behind cut so that you can ponder your own thoughts without being swayed by mine
When I'm invited the first time somewhere, I don't assume anything. I ask if it's a potluck or if I can bring something. It's too embarrassing to show up empty handed. My parents always brought a bottle of wine, so I was raised to assume I should bring something for the host or hostess. It's not always a bottle of wine because not everyone drinks; we try to bring something appropriate.
Generally, I try to be part of the clean up effort. It's what mom did and what she taught me as the right thing to do.
At my house, it's usually a potluck, so people rarely have to guess. There are times when I insist on doing all the cooking, but not often. Christmas Eve we'll do our "nostalgia potluck" again and I'll fill in the gaps.
The exception to this is the following: There are a few clueless (male) bachelors that come over on a regular basis for dinner; anywhere from once a month to 2x a week depending on how busy we are and whether we have the bandwidth to have guests. I've known these guys for about 15 years. Since Evie was born I have made a habit of specifically asking them to bring something and I've told them that if they bring X, then they may come over. Otherwise they were eating everything in site and leaving their cups and plates all over; I was now "out" the leftovers I was planning for and the mess was that much bigger. Sorry - I have one husband and 2 kids - I don't need two more "kids" to clean up after and to feed. So now I insist that they be responsible for providing some of the food. I have learned that usually I can trust them to bring cookies or a "bag o' salad"; trial and error has taught me that leaving anything cooked up to them is a bad thing. Sometimes, if I have all the food covered and they've called at 5pm and want to come over at 6:30 (and I have enough food), I'll have them pick up whatever I forgot at the store last time around - milk or soda or something. This is my way of teaching them to not take me for granted. And for their part they seem to feel pleased at being able to say they didn't free-load off us. In fact, one has been making a point of bringing meat product to share for the bigger potlucks. ...So the experiment is working. LOL.
Cleanup: I ususally assume it's on me. My kitchen is only so big. However, I always appreciate it when someone helps out or at least hangs out with me while I scrape plates and wash dishes. When someone jumps in and starts washing, I am overwhelmed with gratitude and guilt.
Inviting someone back: I was programmed to reciprocate immediately. This is adhered to more staunchly when it's someone newish to my life. When it's "family", it's not as critical. The family "credits" get to a certain point where there is no more need to invite someone back out of thanks because the generocity and love just flow; in fact, I've been known to call some family and say, "I want to throw a party to thank you, but it will need to be at your place because yours is bigger and you have the cool stereo". hahaha!
This is regarding a lot of internal pondering about hospitality and expectations.
If someone invites you over for dinner the first time AND it's not advertised as a potluck, how do you respond?
At what point (if ever) do you offer to bring something without being prompted?
Is there some point when you invite them to your place or take them out?
When you invite someone over to your place for dinner, what do you expect?
Do your guests offer to help clean up? Do you hope they will? Do you even notice if they do any sort of clean up tasks? (clear the table, help with dishes, etc)
What do you do about that when you go to someone else's house?
My thoughts - behind cut so that you can ponder your own thoughts without being swayed by mine
When I'm invited the first time somewhere, I don't assume anything. I ask if it's a potluck or if I can bring something. It's too embarrassing to show up empty handed. My parents always brought a bottle of wine, so I was raised to assume I should bring something for the host or hostess. It's not always a bottle of wine because not everyone drinks; we try to bring something appropriate.
Generally, I try to be part of the clean up effort. It's what mom did and what she taught me as the right thing to do.
At my house, it's usually a potluck, so people rarely have to guess. There are times when I insist on doing all the cooking, but not often. Christmas Eve we'll do our "nostalgia potluck" again and I'll fill in the gaps.
The exception to this is the following: There are a few clueless (male) bachelors that come over on a regular basis for dinner; anywhere from once a month to 2x a week depending on how busy we are and whether we have the bandwidth to have guests. I've known these guys for about 15 years. Since Evie was born I have made a habit of specifically asking them to bring something and I've told them that if they bring X, then they may come over. Otherwise they were eating everything in site and leaving their cups and plates all over; I was now "out" the leftovers I was planning for and the mess was that much bigger. Sorry - I have one husband and 2 kids - I don't need two more "kids" to clean up after and to feed. So now I insist that they be responsible for providing some of the food. I have learned that usually I can trust them to bring cookies or a "bag o' salad"; trial and error has taught me that leaving anything cooked up to them is a bad thing. Sometimes, if I have all the food covered and they've called at 5pm and want to come over at 6:30 (and I have enough food), I'll have them pick up whatever I forgot at the store last time around - milk or soda or something. This is my way of teaching them to not take me for granted. And for their part they seem to feel pleased at being able to say they didn't free-load off us. In fact, one has been making a point of bringing meat product to share for the bigger potlucks. ...So the experiment is working. LOL.
Cleanup: I ususally assume it's on me. My kitchen is only so big. However, I always appreciate it when someone helps out or at least hangs out with me while I scrape plates and wash dishes. When someone jumps in and starts washing, I am overwhelmed with gratitude and guilt.
Inviting someone back: I was programmed to reciprocate immediately. This is adhered to more staunchly when it's someone newish to my life. When it's "family", it's not as critical. The family "credits" get to a certain point where there is no more need to invite someone back out of thanks because the generocity and love just flow; in fact, I've been known to call some family and say, "I want to throw a party to thank you, but it will need to be at your place because yours is bigger and you have the cool stereo". hahaha!
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no subject
Date: 2006-10-11 02:49 am (UTC)My first question always is "what can I bring?" There are instances when I don't ask, because in some familiar relationships the response is always "nothing." When that's the case, I bring a bottle of vino or a 6-pack of beer.
At what point (if ever) do you offer to bring something without being prompted?
I think right at the invite.
Is there some point when you invite them to your place or take them out?
Yep, I try to. I don't keep score, and fear sometimes I fail miserably at the reciprocal thing. My life has been so frantic thanks to careers and school, it's gotten difficult sometimes.
When you invite someone over to your place for dinner, what do you expect?
Be on time or early, but not too early. If you're family, and you come too early, that's okay... you'll just be put to work. :)
Don't flake and not call. If something comes up, try to let us know in advance; but jeez, we all know life happens. If you're running late, call. Yes, I've been known to call when we're 5 minutes late... I don't expect others to be as freaky as we are, but make an effort.
You don't have to bring anything unless it's potluck, but your offerings won't be rejected if you want to bring something.
It's always okay to offer to help clean up. But if I turn you down, it's 'cause I'd rather be social away from the dishes, capice?
And this is general: Always ask first before bringing someone I didn't specifically invite (and that includes kids). Sometimes I don't want to entertain the household, or your (general, again) cousin from out of town, or even your (really, still general!!!) kids. ;-) Spouses/partners get an automatic inclusion in the invite.
Do your guests offer to help clean up? Do you hope they will? Do you even notice if they do any sort of clean up tasks? (clear the table, help with dishes, etc)
I'm always pleased as punch when my guests pitch in. It's usually not expected. And yes, I always notice.
What do you do about that when you go to someone else's house?
I *always* offer, but if my host says no, then I back away. I have a dear friend who is pathological about allowing anyone in her kitchen. It freaks her out. I will still always offer to help her, but she knows it's because I'm wired that way. The funny thing is that she loves to help me out in my kitchen. Go figure.