Being a parent means you get your heart broken

[threadwalker]

I had a very long, tiresome day yesterday, so it was pretty much like any other day. However, I also picked up the kids from preschool, which is not typical. Because of this, I finally had some time to talk to our school director about the kids and I was the one that received the verbal report of behaviour.

Our preschool is great. I love the teachers and especially the director. I'm going to take the director her to the movies some night in August because she rocks. I'm also going to get her a facial at Nordstrom. Why is she great? because when we talk about the kids and their behaviour, we talk about the deeper issues that motivate them, not just whether or not their behaviour is appropriate. For her part, the director says she loves us as parents because we partner with them, we back them up by following through at home with consistent handling of issues, and we are appreciative.

E will be moved up shortly to the next class. This is a little early age-wise but developmentally she's been ready for a few months.

N had some behaviour issues. There are several sides to this story and I pieced his side together. And it's his side that broke my heart.

From the teachers side:
There was a project the kids were doing and they needed string. There was one string on the table between Girl-M and my son, N. The teacher randomly decided to give the string to Girl-M and would get a different one for N. N flipped out and would not calm down despite the teacher reassuring him that he would get another string. He went from crying to speachless hysteria despite the teachers trying to help him take deep breathes. The teachers told him that they would not listen to him until he calmed down. He escalated to pounding Girl-M's hand with his fist to get the string back. There was one brief moment of calm when one teacher said something along the lines of "wow, you must be upset". I don't recall the specifics, but he calmed down slightly, but didn't stop crying for the string.

He was sent to the directors office where he begged them to NOT call his parents. They called daddy. By that time he was calm. They talked. He got off the phone and apologized to all the teachers and had no other blips in the day.

From Parents side:
We do not see many extreme emotional outbursts at the "tantrum" level at home. The rules are very consistent at home. The child to parent ratio is much better. We have the luxury to take the time to listen since there are not 12 other kids clamoring for our attention. Therefore, home behaviour is often the best.

When the family is out with friends he can get extremely exuberent and "filled with excitement". I think he gets into most of his biggest trouble from that puppy-enthusiasm that comes from being reunited with friends and being so extremely excited, his impulse control goes entirely away.

When we hear the tales of school behaviour and he's had a bad day where there's been a tantrum, we are flummoxed because we don't get that at home. All we can do is create consequences at home to reflect the poor choices made at school. In fact, I had him practicing "step away and take an alone moment" a few weeks ago so that he could "go and calm down". He understood it was not a time out and it seemed to help. More important, one recent change was that he has naps or quiet time again after lunch. Having an afternoon rest period has turned around his behavoiur at school. The turn-around in behaviour makes Thursdays tantrum upsetting and confusing.

Our parentaly reaction in the past to this kind of verbal report would have been frustration, then sadness that he is struggling with his temper and then consequences/punishment ranging from no-cartoons to going to bed after dinner (Even if Girl-M is 4 years older than him, he did hit another child and hitting is not condoned).

However, I seem to be in the "zone" a lot lately. Maybe it's all the running. Anyway, I think I correctly put together N-side.

N's-story as reconstructed by mommy:
When N entered kindergarden last September, his best friends left our preschool for the after-school programs at their corresponding grammar schools. They had spent 3 years playing every day and suddenly they were gone. In his kindergarden N often said he had no friends. I don't think anyone was mean, but he did not develop any close friendships I believe he probably still feels a void that was left when Billy and Jeremy moved on to other programs. So although he is not alone, I perceive that he is lonely.

N is very social and likes to play games where there are "turns" and sharing. He is also earnest and trusting. So he is the littlest kid to play with the big kids. However, he still has no friends. There are 2 girls his age and they play exclusively together. There is one boy his age, but the boy is only there for the summer and prefers to play alone. A few months ago he told me Girl-V (2 years older) was his friend but only if no one else knew since the big kids would pick on her if they knew. Therefore, according to N, sometimes she had to be mean to him so the big kids wouldn't suspect. My impression is that he tags along with the big kids and sometimes they tolerate him, but he has no real friendships.

Last week the kids were taken to the theater and the director caught Nicholas giving Boy-J 2 quarters. (Boy J is 10 years old). Apparently Boy-J said "give me 2 quarters and I'll be your friend". Thus N gave him 2 quarters so they could be friends.

From his own explanation, N told me that he'd spent Thursday morning playing with the string. He'd named the string and it was his friend. Then the teacher gave his friend to Girl-M and no one would listen to him. Hence the upsetness that escalated into a tantrum and striking out.

This may seem totally unlikely to someone else, but I take him very seriously. I've seen my kids make up stories with their toys and imbibe inanitmate objects with persona. Through their eyes, this is reality, not make-believe. What I see from his side is the lonely little kid who hasn't had a friend to play with regularly in almost a year turns to his imagination. And he had enough imagination to make his own friend was then cut off again when the "friend" was taken and give to someone else.

My heart broke when he finished and I started crying again as I wrote this out.

It certainly puts the fist-pounding desperatation in perspective. I might have done the same. And it makes me cry. I have my own childhood flashbacks of isolation and not fitting in. I have no idea how to help and I can't "make" a friend for him. Fortunately, the director was listening (and sniffling) in the background and said she'd have a conference with the teachers today (Friday) about being alert to N's isolation. She also informed me that 4 boys were moving up to the school-age program and one of them is a former play-mate. (The mom had held him back a year). So hopefully in September he'll get to re-bond with Soran.

He did not get punished last night other than being made to fold his own laundry. We talked about not-hitting and working on our temper and that was the extent of it. His parents are busy pondering.

And the mommy got lots of kudos from the daddy and the school director for being observant, asking the right questions (no one else asked why the string was important) and listening to him and taking him seriously. This could have been very easy to miss if I didn't listen closely to them and pay attention.

And let me say, this is the hardest task-job-vocation I've ever had. It is the most rewarding when it goes well and the most heart-breaking when it doesn't. There is a quote I'm going to mangle:

The choice to have kids is the choice to let a piece of your heart wander out into the world unprotected and to let it get hurt.

No shit!

Comments

[maestrateresa.livejournal.com]

Makes me cry with the memory of my own boychild at that age/stage. I am daily thankful that he has at long last learned to handle the frustrations. Some days I thought he never would. Good luck to you. It sounds like you are doing an excellent job, and have great support :)

[dizzyblonde30.livejournal.com]

*huggles* You are doing a great job and it's wonderful that you not only listen to your kids but that you know them so well. What a blessing for all of you :)

I think I may need to start taking notes for when we have kids. I get so discouraged seeing the parenting skills around me or moreso the lack of, you surely lift my spirits :)

I have to admit tears came to me as well as you shared , I was reminded of some lonely times as a little girl, add to that I was a very shy child. In Kindergarten and First grade I had to great pals but both moved away after first grade :( It was a tough transition.

[dame-cordelia.livejournal.com]

Lonely little guy - no wonder he reacted badly. I had no little girls to play with when I was preschool age and the boys sometimes tolerated me.

No wonder I turned to reading as soon as I could.

[broider-barones.livejournal.com]

you are an awesome parent - I've thought that often and keep meaning to say it! Being a parent is the hardest job in the world, but the most rewarding too. Your kids are lucky to have you and F. On another note -- it is so easy to not really listen. This is a good reminder to not filter. Hugs,

Made me cry too.

[callistotoni.livejournal.com]

You are awesome. I *so* get your son's reaction/relationship to the string. Big cyber hugs all 'round.

[joycebre.livejournal.com]

we've been there. It's great that you were able to get to the heart of the matter. I hope N does better now that the teachers are keeping an eye out.
And yeah, this parenting stuff is a lot harder than most people think.