Fitness blah-g

[threadwalker]

I am so "off my fitness like a maniac" wagon. But I'm not stressed. How weird and very unlike me. Not that I'm any "less" obsessed, but I'm not beating myself up. I started drafting this post last week and initially it was a rant against myself, but by the time I finished it, I decided to embrace the situation and stop freaking out. Instead I included a rant about how I'm not allowed to rant.


My planned schedule:
Gym workouts: Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon, Tue, Wed
Thurs: official day of not working out.

My recent reality since Halloween-ish:
gym workouts: Sun, Mon, Tue, Wed.
Real World Running: one day at work at lunch for 30-40 min.
Lunch time yoga on Mondays
Thursday eve: no-guilt day off from fitness.

Fitness status:
1. Abs: I had the beginnings of a 6-pack in my abs in October. Now I'm all mushy again. Today's ab-work out was not up to the par of what I was doing in October. Time to get on it again, but I'm not discouraged, I'm excited. I can do this.
2. Endurance: My endurance is up except for the first day after a 2-day (or longer!) break. No surprise about what happens after a break. And I'm stoked that I am routinely up to running 40 min on the treadmill doing the hill interval training.
3. Leg Injury: all gone. I am grateful that I can run without excruciating pain.
4. Planar fasciatis (spelling?): Flare up 2-3 years ago has been gone for a while. I guess the tissue around the bone spurs is fine and I wear very expensive running shoes to make sure it stays that way.
5. Quadriceps: Wow! They look like ham-hocks to me most of the time; big fleshy white legs that taper into "sturdy" ankles that jiggle with seismic effect when I run. I don't know if it was the lighting or what, but I got an unusual view of my legs in the mirror today and I have muscles. I mean of course we all have muscles, but it looks like I have the beginnings of runners quads. I'm shocked. It's been a long time since I had anything actually resembling "fit" on my person. It was very encouraging.

Balancing Act
Mindset: I'm not stressed. My weight is not outside my current set range and I'm enjoying myself a little. My fitness goals are not going to be destroyed by "slacking" a bit right now. Which probably isn't really "slacking" but more like balancing fitness against the holiday and family demands at this time of year.

It all good. And I am very motivated to keep on trucking even if I don't feel/see the effects of additional progress for a long time.

Here's my rant. It's my LJ, so I get to rant. This is not an attempt to fish for compliments - I'm sharing some frustration I have.

I'm in a club that does not get to complain about being over weight or out of shape without being mocked. People don't want to hear me complain about my body because losing weight seems to automatically put me on a list that does not deserve to be frustrated or dissatisfied. It feels like I'm not allowed to comment on how hard it is to make good food choices, how tempting it is to indulge and why I should not make every day a pastry-free-for-all. And I'm pretty much forbidden from saying, "God, I hate the fat on my inner thighs." Or, "Why can't I get rid of this tire around my middle?!?"

Okay, there are some folks who lose weight and use these comments to fish for compliments. I do not. And I hate to be lumped with them. And I hate the derision I get when I complain. In fact, I hate it so much, I just had an emotional spike when I wrote that and it felt something like, "damn it, that felt good to complain about and I will NOT feel guilty for it."

I hate my spare tire!!!
I hate my droopy butt!!!
I hate my spongey saddle bags!!!
I hate the seismic activity in my legs!!!

Wow! felt good!

Back to rant: When I make a complaint, the responses I get are, "Well, at least you lost weight." Or sarcasm, "Oh, verily, the cross that is born by those who have lost weight is mighty..." It makes me feel like I'm not allowed to speak freely of my body-frustration unless it's with others who've also succeeded in losing weight.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I can share my perspective on what I see when I look at myself. Again, it's important to know that I'm NOT fishing for compliments. But I don't see a super model. I look in the mirror and the changes are invisible to me except I can "see" my tummy is smaller and I can "see" the hard-won muscles in my shoulders. But the rest? I look down at my legs and they look like slabs of ham that taper to chunky ankles.
I see lots of mushy stuff spread all across me. Everything that should be toned and tight is flabby and mushy; everything that should be perky is droopy. I have a spare tire around my tummy and I accept that my inner thighs are going to be fat-storage in case of future famine. And frankly, comments like "well, at least you lost weight" vex me. While I'm trying to be sensitive to the feelings of those who are overweight and the challenges they face, guess what! It was hard work, it didn't happen by accident, and it was a gift in the sense that I have both the opportunity and the physical ability to make it happen. But the opportunity to tackle the challenge was the gift; the weight loss and fitness were never "given" to me. I don't have that body type that easily turns fat into muscle and I'm not naturally slim. I'm a fat-storer and apparently I'm an apple. I can see the movie popcorn and cookies and rum from last weekend right in my middle. And regardless how much weight I lost to get here, I feel fat when I bend forward to tie my shoes and my stomach squashes in the way.

I get to be frustrated and I get to feel "fat" just like everyone else. Dam it! Don't tell me how I should feel and don't blow me off because I have made progress. I'm entitled to my feelings.

wow. that feels good.

Comments

[dizzyblonde30.livejournal.com]

You know it's really hard not to compliment you! You've done an awesome job keeping committed to your goals and becoming more fit and healthy! I'm glad that you've been able to rant and not feel guilty, you are entitled to your feelings, they are YOURS!!

I bet the reason why people often point out that at least you've lost the weight is b/c they are jealous that they haven't made the commitment they need to themselves. It's easy to watch someone else go through the motions..they go on with their daily lives and often aren't witness to the struggles , challenges and frustrations you've come across in your journey. So to them it probably seems more an overnight success!

Although I'm not where you are (Yet!) I can see how frustrating it has to be when you just want to vent and you're not feeling you're able too! Ugh!!

We all have our 'fat' days no matter what our shape, size or fitness levels are. Those of us who are heavier, those of us not keeping up with commitments to our health often forget that those who weigh less than us still have the same struggles, frustrations and challenges!

*Hugs*

Oh darling!

[etaine-pommier.livejournal.com]

I feel your pain. After I had been in WW for about six months, I stepped on the scale at a meeting and heard the woman behind me ask "what's SHE doing here?"

Those who lose weight/are thin/work out - well, they generally *work* at it. It ain't easy. (There's frequently a little part of me that wants to meow "You think I look this way because I eat whatever I want and never exercise???")

Try to remember that those types of comments are more about the people making them than they are about you. And you can vent with me whenever you want.

Re: Oh darling!

[thread-walker.livejournal.com]

Funny you should comment on the WW meeting. Some of the members at my meeting have made comments about others who appear slim. I always jump in with how we could all learn about portions, nutrition and good eating habits. Appearance on the outside does not reflect health on the inside.

I will look you up next time my vent-o-rama spleen is full and the crowd looks unsympathetic. Likewise - feel free to come find me. I don't actually ever recall you being "fat" or "obese", so I'm not sure if you've been living a life of fitness and health or if you had to lose a bunch of weight to get there. I have discovered that being smaller also means that every extra calorie shows up on the scale, every missed workout shows up on the scale, and I totally can't drink as much as I used to, so I have to pace myself if I want to motorvate around on my own power.

Re: Oh darling!

[joycebre.livejournal.com]

few people realize how hard it is to 'maintain' after weight loss, or even that you have to 'maintain' after losing. I'm still working on that concept. I see it come up over and over again on my support group. People are genuinely surprised that people at a normal weight still have to do something to stay at that weight, and that life isn't a cupcake and donut fest.
And I agree - the comments are definitely more about the people making them.

Re: Oh darling!

[thread-walker.livejournal.com]

Getting into maintenance was scary. If it came naturally to me, I'd never have gotten fat. I'm terrified of creaping obescity. I am digging around for motivation and tools in order to stay in my weight range without going insane from the stress. So far I am doing it, but since I spent more time between 185 and 200 lb than I have below 150, I'm very attentive to the scale and not very trusting of my impulses.

[klwilliams.livejournal.com]

Sing it, sistah! I won't mock you if you complain in front of me. I'm stalled about halfway to my weight goal, and the fat left is looking much fatter now than it did when I first got down to this weight. Ugh.

[thread-walker.livejournal.com]

isn't funny how time and perspective alter things?

[fighter-chick.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I hear ya. The comments I get when I complain about the little spare bike-tire around my middle, or about the puckery cellulite in my legs are...fascinating.

I only make those comments around a small, select group, most of whom are male. I have long since learned not to say *anything* around groups of women--it goes poorly. (As you have discovered.)

What I admire most is how much work you did to get where you are, and how much better and healthier you look now than you did when I first met you. I do envy you your ability to exercise. But feel free to complain to me when you're down here...I *will* get it. ;-)

[thread-walker.livejournal.com]

thank you. It means a lot to speak freely in front of you.

Usually as I enter the gym I say a little thanks to my god for giving me the ability to exercise and for the support of my partner who encourages me and does not begrudge the time away from home and family. I am very aware that those are gifts and I don't take them for granted. Between my rainbow of injuries, sirst, and you, I am sensitive to how much this is a priviledge and not a right. And I am very grateful for it.

[sirst.livejournal.com]

Yup, echoing what's been said so far. As etaine_pommier pointed out it aint easy. I spend every day working with folks who want to change thier bodies. Getting people to be realistic about themselves is a huge challenge. Honesty and to stop making excuses come a close second. Your frankness and commitment serve you well.

Having people make assumptions and be dismissive or your efforts and results is incredibly frustrating. A lot of people do not not to face the work it takes. A lot of people feel frustrated and helpless about making a change in thier own bodies. And when the see someone who is making those changes they sometimes make unpleasant comments. It's insensitive, rude, and often born of self centered frustrations. That you'd find it hurtful and frustrating makes total sense.

Huh, bit of a rant there. Better stop now before I really get going. ;)

[thread-walker.livejournal.com]

Personally, I haven't felt like people have been dismissive of my efforts. But I do feel like I'm censored from making complaints about my state of affairs.

I started to respond here, but that lead to Rant Part 2, which I'd planned on posting separately because it's been rolling in the back of my head since Friday. So stay tuned.

[dame-cordelia.livejournal.com]

You have every right to be unhappy that you haven't achieved your goals. Granted you have worked hard for what you've accomplished so far, and if you took a little time out, okay.

It is unfortunate that some people who haven't gotten off their derrierres have to say something bitchy, but you now have a list of people you can't be open with.

[beanolc.livejournal.com]

As a curvy woman, I can add some additional perspective to your rant; note that the statements that follow are generalities, and are not thoughts I've held back about you. *hug!*

When I hear a thinner person commenting with displeasure at her own body, regardless of how that person got to that state (naturally gifted, hard working, etc), what I first reflect on is myself. If *she* thinks she's fat/soft/chubby/etc, good gods but how in hell do I look? She's a size 10 and thinks her ass is too big... I'm a size 14 so let's do the math!

I have a mother I towered over and out weighed by the time I was 12. She was a chubby little kid but had a great body as an adult. She constantly complained about her weight. She made me feel awful because she didn't like her own features, and it only made me feel bigger. The irony is that her 5-foot-nothin' < 100 lb mother did the same to her.

There is no solution -- you shouldn't have to curb your comments, and you certainly can't control my feelings and emotions, but it is what it is. When I hear "I'm fat," the first thing I do is look at you and then I critically look at myself. I am bigger than most of the people I spend time around, so this happens a lot.

[tusya1300.livejournal.com]

Ah.... here we come to one of my foremost complaints about the presentation of the "Female Ideal".

When I was 5'4", 95lbs and professionally on the runway, I was "really too short, for anything but petite" and "really too fat, can you just loose 10lbs dear? you'll get more work..." That was from the "professionals". Then there was my family, the very opposite in mindset of wanting me to gain 10lbs so I would look "healthy and normal". All this in my delicate mental years of late teenage-hood.

I still carry those scars with me today. I still don't like my body, then I do like my body (I fluctuate). I still go through periods where I see myself very differently than what I am in reality. Mentally this is something I have to work on daily.

You are very right tho... people with "perfect" bodies are not allowed to complain about them. People who work out are similarly not allowed to complain about body difficulties (and believe me they have them).

It really is a no-win situation.

[thread-walker.livejournal.com]

I didn't know you were a model. That's neat to know. I hear that world is just insane when it comes to body image and weight.

Living up to (or down to) other people's expectations is just insane. And for whatever reason, we internalize that stuff as reasons for self-hate even as we're saying "don't do it, it's insane".

[tusya1300.livejournal.com]

S'not something I talk about a lot.

[light-hands.livejournal.com]

I think people forget that everyone's experience is different. Just because you are at a different spot than they are, doesn't mean that you don't struggle with the variety of choices, both healthy and not healthy, that you have to make every day.

I think sometimes people want to drag others down rather than celebrate where they are, or commiserate with what they are going through.

Body image is such a personal thing, and we all experience it differently. I don't think you should have to feel any particular way about it...feel what you feel, and express what you feel to those that you know are 'safe' for you!

(BTW...I'm safe...) ;-)