Assessing

[threadwalker]

This has been the season to "reassess". Something about the economy, job market, and cost of gas keep driving home the point (to me) that I need to make sure my house is in order.

I've reassessed the closets at home and purged a bunch of stuff. I've reassessed some of my projects and instead of haring off on new projects I'm finishing some backlog.

I'm reassessing my job and my fitness goals.

My job
I'm good at it. I'm appreciated. Lately I've noticed that due to circumstances I've been edged out of the aspects I enjoy and I'm doing less challenging things. Technically, this less challenging stuff is 90% of my job description and it's what I'm actually paid to do, but I need more on my plate than unflavored oatmeal everyday. Reassess... reassess... it means I can leave on time. It means I can take lunch breaks. It means I'll have to be self-disciplined since I'm the Queen of Procrastination when I'm faced with dull work. So I will change my perspective and greet this with acceptance instead of sadness.

Deathride
I'm reassessing my level of biking ability.

The emotional valley: It takes me 2 hours, 40 minutes to get to the top of Mt Diablo and while riding up Mt Diablo yesterday (in blazing heat) one of the voices in my head said, "There is no f-ing way you can do Deathride. Everyone is passing you (one guy thanked me for being the first person he'd ever passed), it's blazing hot, your knees hurt, and you're only on your first ascent. You think you can do 3 of the 5 ascents in Deathride? You are kidding yourself. You suck." The other voice, the one that usually gives the world the finger and leaps in, was suspisciously silent.

I nudged my silent, rebelious voice and eventually it interupted the internal rant about how sucky I am. It commented that I should focus on this ride and getting to the top one stroke at a time while not expiring of heat exhaustion; it also suggested that it might not be a good day for my first double since my knees really were that achy and the heat was a new element of challenge.

gah. I felt like Zuko when he discovered he'd lost his fire-bending power when he joined Ang. Where is my fire? (Avatar, the Last Air Bender, Book 3)

I spent the whole ride up assessing, measuring, critiquing and slamming myself. The constant stream of cyclists passing me were inspiring at first, but 2 hours later it just drove home how pathetic I was as they continued to pass me on their way up and on their way down while I was still climbing.

The emotional lift:
In the middle of one of my self-beat-downs "the other voice" spoke up. I dream big and I may or may not go to the moon, but without the dream I wouldn't try. If I hadn't had this Deathride dream a year ago, I wouldn't have been climbing Mt Diablo in god-knows-what-heat yesterday. Those people who were passing me? Where were they in December and January when it was less than 40F out? I think I've done almost a dozen rides up the mountain and I'd have never done that if I hadn't had such a big dream. Without the dream I would not have biked all the way to work on Tuesday and Thursday and I wouldn't have figured out how to equip myself to ride in the dark or in the cold. Who am I without my dreams? My dreams drive me and inspire me.

I don't suck. I got my bike 18 months ago and it doesn't collect dust in a shed or the garage. I use it and I use it so often that it's a pain in the butt to put it away because I know I'll be taking it out again in less than 48 hours.

So what if I can't climb Mt Diablo in 90 minutes? Or do 5 or even 3 passes in Deathride this year? Does that mean quit dreaming or quit striving? I didn't get fired up enough to forget the knees or the heat on Sunday, but I stopped beating myself down and continued to reassess.

I also reminded myself that now that I've been clipped a bit at work, this will give me the mental bandwidth and energy to focus on personal needs.

Training Reality: There have been some set backs and planning hurdles I didn't get over until lately:

1. The weather: I still haven't figured out how to ride safely in the rain. I do know that I don't want to ride down Mt Diablo in the rain because I believe the risk of missing a turn and shooting off the side of the mountain to drop 100 or so feet is a very real and high risk that would result in death or severe injury. I wasn't even thinking about working around rain until it started raining, so that was an unforeseen hurdle. I figured out a work-around last month and I just got a trainer so I can do indoor riding.

2. I twisted my knee in February and had to stay off of it for almost 3 months. All of my running and biking feel like they are starting over at ground-zero. It is what it is, but it sucks and it's very important to not reinjur or retard my healing while throwing myself at the mountain.

3. I didn't have a solid plan for biking long distance during the week until last week, when I was inspired to ride to work. Looking back, I had suspected this was a hole in my training plan and I kept trying to logic my way through it, but the solution didn't come to me until recently. Now that I'm reading Arnie Baker's High Altitude training Guide, I believe the training-hole is a LOT bigger than I first realized.

4. Trainer: I don't have a trainer, team, or club. I'm just generic-biker-chick who works, commutes, has kids and has other hobbies that I'm not willing to give up. I suspect that a trainer or club/team would be a very powerful tool, but it's not one I can have. In order to join something like a team or club, I'd have to give up something else so that I could bike when it's convenient for the imaginary club/team; I bet they don't get up at 3:30 am to ride to work. I have to work this activity around the life I already have, I can't retool my life in order to bike with a group.

So there it is.

Now what?
*Do I think I can do 3 of the 5 passes in Deathride? Not sure. I couldn't have last Sunday. I was going to try a second ascent to the 1K elevation marker, but my feet felt like they were on fire and I was having an allergy attack that was mucking up my contacts, so I declined to incline.

*It's an expensive race and trip; if I can't do more than a single pass, what's the point of going? With cost considerations in the mix would it be better to just sit it out this year until I know I can do 60% of it?

* If I go and do just one pass, what have I gained? I've dragged my family to Markleeville, taken some vacation time, spent a chunk of money and I do a single pass which might be less overall climbing that Mt Diablo.

I'm curious: If you've bothered to read this far, what would you do?


What would I do? This is what I will do
I am going to "Near Death Experience" the first weekend of June to train on the actual mountain passes that will be in the Deathride. At the end of the weekend I will be able to register for one of the slots they reserve for the attendees of the training camp. Unless I totally suck to the point where I can't get up a single pass in that weekend (unlikely), I'm intending to register for the Deathride.

I need to go meet the Dream that has helped me achieve so much this year.

Comments

[rustmon.livejournal.com]

You have come this far.

GO FOR IT.

No matter what, at least you can say you put your face in it and you did it.

Sure, you might just do 1 lap. But you also might do 2 or 3, too. But you certainly are not going to know unless you try. I think you can find cool things to do with your family no matter what.

You are my hero. I know you can do it. No matter what, I'm going to give you hugs and love, 'cause you deserve it from trying stuff most people won't.

Just my .02.

*HUG*

[klwilliams.livejournal.com]

Speaking as someone who has been off my knee since February and just started back exercising, be aware that it will take time to get back to where you were. You don't suck -- you're coming off an injury. If you push too hard now you'll just hurt yourself again. Be gentle with yourself for a little while, and set expectations accordingly so you won't be disappointed. And remember: Never give up! Never surrender!

1.) freakin' awesome icon!

[dakini-bones.livejournal.com]

2.) Do you have to WIN Deathride, COMPLETE Deathride or just have the GUTS to take part in it? Cause ALL of them are WINS. I don't have the gumption and guts to even THINK about it, so you are already achieving more than the vasy majority of people!
So you can do no wrong!

Go GRRL!

[theiadora.livejournal.com]

You don't suck. You are training intelligently so that you don't re-injure yourself. You are still training with a purpose.
The "Near Death Experience" Plan sounds like a logical one. And should help with the competitive streak you have, now that you knee is recovered sufficiently to be able to ride again.
And while you didn't like the experience of being passed, look how happy you made that guy feel when he passed you. You made his day, and didn't shoot down his happy feeling with mentioning you were recovering from injuries. And probably encouraged him to strive harder in his training. There you go being inspirational again!

[broider-barones.livejournal.com]

you are awesome and inspirational in soooooooo many ways. I just have 1 bone to pick with you --- you are toooo hard on yourself. Accept that you are coming off an injury and doing well. Accept that you have worked hard and are willing to work harder still to just enter something that few full trained pros would not even attempt. accept that you are working at your pace - your definition of challenge is so far and above others -- good but accept that it is a goal not an end. hugs

[fighter-chick.livejournal.com]

I like your Near Death Experience plan. I think it's reasonable and sane, while remaining ambitious and inspiring.

You don't suck. Do tell me, how many of those cyclists who passed you on the mountain yesterday were 40+ moms of two elementary-school age children with full-time sit-down jobs, other absorbing hobbies, and a recent knee injury? My guess: precious few.

Actually, it's the knee injury that's the biggest deal. You lost 25% of your training time. And joint injuries are serious business. (In gymnastics, knee injuries can easily be career enders.)

But I'm hardly a person who will tell anyone to abandon her dreams. I think you should go for it! What you'll gain, even if you only make it through one pass, will be priceless.

*hugs and big leg muscles*

[weenie100.livejournal.com]

You don't suck. I've been off my bike for what -- 18 months due to injury? Anyway, try the near death experience. You'll be able to see how you feel. If you don't feel right, wait until next year. That's what sucks about injuries. In the meantime, what about joining a long distance training program like Team in Training? They might have a program for the death ride. You do have to do fundraising, but it's not that bad. You write a letter or email to everyone you know, give them the link, they donate & write it off on their taxes.

P.S. I won't ride in the rain, and I won't ride up Mt. Diablo (mostly because I'm scared of coming down, and the other riders scare me when they pass me). Maybe one day I'll try it again.

[kahnegabs.livejournal.com]

I'm impressed. Happy trails to you, even if you just decide to stay home and keep doing Diablo and Grizzly Peak.

You are hard on yourself - again.

[dame-cordelia.livejournal.com]

And you aren't working with a trainer, which makes success more challenging.

The most important thing right now is to allow your knee to really heal. The second most important thing - your family. The third - your job. None of that will keep you from going for your dreams, nor should it.

Set yourself up to go a little further than you believe you can accomplish. Consider how far you came in the last year and use this opportunity to see where you really are on your training path. Next year you will do even better.

[stealth-1066.livejournal.com]

Build on what you have accomplished in this short amount of time. Joint injuries are hard to recover from and can be re-injured very easily. Self doubt is your worse enemy. Remember that a certain percentage of the other people in this sport do nothing else but train for these events. You on the other hand are training and doing many more things and have a full life- an amazing feat if you ask me! So, listen to your gut feelings- they are normally right- and if that means not this year them there will always be next year.......