Day 2 in the land of Big A
Aug. 7th, 2009 06:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
threadwalkerIt went well.
Actually, I got to enjoy a "woman only" environment. And I mean "enjoy". I don't work with many women and the ones I work with are usually on the opposite end of an issue, so it's rarely "enjoyable".
On Day 2 I found myself realizing I am the target of lots of assumptions. Normally I deal with male-oriented assumptions and after a life-time of those they pretty much wash past me because I've heard it a million times. Man-based assumptions have to do with assessing my role and what kind of tool or obstacle I will be for them: I'm the note taker, the coffee maker, the road block, etc.
Apparently women (the Big A's anyway) look at me and judge my character. They assume that I feel confident, I don't trash-talk myself, that I have some sort of internal well-spring of strength that prevents me from ever doubting myself.
Oh dear, I've been miss-billed. Who wrote THAT script?
It went something like this:
We talked about how to take a compliment. The comment she made was that Big A's automatically deflect the compliment (more discussion on how we do that). She then suggested that Little A's accept compliments and even agree; they don't deflect or doubt themselves. Everyone looked at me and I had the "are you nuts???" look on my face. So I took the stage, so to speak.
If you didn't know me before 1997, then you don't know how radically different I am now. Before 1997 I never said "no", I had the disease to please, I naively believed that if I followed the rules and worked hard that I would be rewarded, I was an obedient daughter who became an obedient college student and an obedient employee. I feared confrontation and had to become physically angry in order to disagree with someone. I had to change in order to survive and I shared that in-depth with the class. I explained in detail how I was driven to the point of self-destruction and I had to make a choice: believe what I was being told or disbelieve what I was being told and change. I changed. I told the class about the self-awakening confrontation with my boss where I calmly told him to "fuck off".
The entire group was overwhelmed. I was describing them when I was telling them how passive I was. I was describing them when I was telling them how I was treated like a doormat. They actually cheered and clapped when I told them the "fuck off" part. (And there I was concerned that I was going to upset them with foul language). The teacher was a pro and thanked me for opening up, then said, "That's right ladies. When a Little A snaps, watch out." She took the talk in a really positive direction and used my tale as a cautionary.
Me? I got up and walked out. I was vibrating inside and had this ball of energy which I needed to walk off. It's hard to talk about that period in my life without reacting. What AMAZED me was all the hugging. The teacher followed me outside, thanked me for sharing, said a few insightful things, and gave me a hug. I race walked around the hotel for a few minutes and then hit the bathroom to wash my hands (water is very calming, too). This coincided with the break and as these women who are essentially strangers came into the bathroom, which is a somewhat intimate environment with dim lights and soft music, they thanked me. Several of them introduced themselves, thanked me for opening up, hugged me, had tears in their eyes, and more than one said that my story was helping them because they were at their own cross-roads of change.
What struck me was that men would never do that. Neh-VER! I don't think aggressive Little A's would have thanked/hugged in the bathroom either. They would have probably high-fived me and given some ass-kicking pointers.
I am mulling this over. There is something really special about the Big A's that I hadn't really connected with before. I'm still digesting it, but I think the world needs Big A's. And it's not that I think the Big A's should stay passive; whether you're passive, assertive or aggressive you're still the same person at your core. It's about balance, perspective, warmth/coolness; teams are stronger if there's a mix that within itself can respect each others strengths.
The rest of the day was spent on communication techniques. While my Big A sisters were practicing saying "no", I was practicing "no" without actually using the word "no". I got to be the person that they had to confront in our small group exercises; I took too much enjoyment in throwing them curveballs. And we watched a GREAT video on how men and women communicate, how they hear and react to the way the other gender speaks, etc. The speaker highlighted the Boy and Girl Scout Oaths.
Boys: I will do my duty.
Girls: I will try.
I think I'm a hybrid in this area and I figure it's because I work and generally live in the world of man-speak. But more on that later. I also got a book on body language and communication. Muh-ha-ha... Soon I shall take over the world...One gesture at a time. LOL
Actually, I got to enjoy a "woman only" environment. And I mean "enjoy". I don't work with many women and the ones I work with are usually on the opposite end of an issue, so it's rarely "enjoyable".
On Day 2 I found myself realizing I am the target of lots of assumptions. Normally I deal with male-oriented assumptions and after a life-time of those they pretty much wash past me because I've heard it a million times. Man-based assumptions have to do with assessing my role and what kind of tool or obstacle I will be for them: I'm the note taker, the coffee maker, the road block, etc.
Apparently women (the Big A's anyway) look at me and judge my character. They assume that I feel confident, I don't trash-talk myself, that I have some sort of internal well-spring of strength that prevents me from ever doubting myself.
Oh dear, I've been miss-billed. Who wrote THAT script?
It went something like this:
We talked about how to take a compliment. The comment she made was that Big A's automatically deflect the compliment (more discussion on how we do that). She then suggested that Little A's accept compliments and even agree; they don't deflect or doubt themselves. Everyone looked at me and I had the "are you nuts???" look on my face. So I took the stage, so to speak.
If you didn't know me before 1997, then you don't know how radically different I am now. Before 1997 I never said "no", I had the disease to please, I naively believed that if I followed the rules and worked hard that I would be rewarded, I was an obedient daughter who became an obedient college student and an obedient employee. I feared confrontation and had to become physically angry in order to disagree with someone. I had to change in order to survive and I shared that in-depth with the class. I explained in detail how I was driven to the point of self-destruction and I had to make a choice: believe what I was being told or disbelieve what I was being told and change. I changed. I told the class about the self-awakening confrontation with my boss where I calmly told him to "fuck off".
The entire group was overwhelmed. I was describing them when I was telling them how passive I was. I was describing them when I was telling them how I was treated like a doormat. They actually cheered and clapped when I told them the "fuck off" part. (And there I was concerned that I was going to upset them with foul language). The teacher was a pro and thanked me for opening up, then said, "That's right ladies. When a Little A snaps, watch out." She took the talk in a really positive direction and used my tale as a cautionary.
Me? I got up and walked out. I was vibrating inside and had this ball of energy which I needed to walk off. It's hard to talk about that period in my life without reacting. What AMAZED me was all the hugging. The teacher followed me outside, thanked me for sharing, said a few insightful things, and gave me a hug. I race walked around the hotel for a few minutes and then hit the bathroom to wash my hands (water is very calming, too). This coincided with the break and as these women who are essentially strangers came into the bathroom, which is a somewhat intimate environment with dim lights and soft music, they thanked me. Several of them introduced themselves, thanked me for opening up, hugged me, had tears in their eyes, and more than one said that my story was helping them because they were at their own cross-roads of change.
What struck me was that men would never do that. Neh-VER! I don't think aggressive Little A's would have thanked/hugged in the bathroom either. They would have probably high-fived me and given some ass-kicking pointers.
I am mulling this over. There is something really special about the Big A's that I hadn't really connected with before. I'm still digesting it, but I think the world needs Big A's. And it's not that I think the Big A's should stay passive; whether you're passive, assertive or aggressive you're still the same person at your core. It's about balance, perspective, warmth/coolness; teams are stronger if there's a mix that within itself can respect each others strengths.
The rest of the day was spent on communication techniques. While my Big A sisters were practicing saying "no", I was practicing "no" without actually using the word "no". I got to be the person that they had to confront in our small group exercises; I took too much enjoyment in throwing them curveballs. And we watched a GREAT video on how men and women communicate, how they hear and react to the way the other gender speaks, etc. The speaker highlighted the Boy and Girl Scout Oaths.
Boys: I will do my duty.
Girls: I will try.
I think I'm a hybrid in this area and I figure it's because I work and generally live in the world of man-speak. But more on that later. I also got a book on body language and communication. Muh-ha-ha... Soon I shall take over the world...One gesture at a time. LOL
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no subject
Date: 2009-08-07 02:57 pm (UTC)One of the psychological traps that holds people back and comforts them is: "If' she's somehow an entirely different type of person inside than me, then I don't have to take any responsibility for not acting like she does." The flip side of the belief is that, as long as they hold it, they can't give you credit for what you go through (and have gone through) to get where you are.
no subject
Date: 2009-08-07 03:07 pm (UTC)but i will say that have a strong group of women you can turn to is AWESOME! i cherish the women in my life :) hugging and crying in the bathroom is one of life little joys.
no subject
Date: 2009-08-07 03:17 pm (UTC)I second kiffinyjeans's comment most vehemently!
no subject
Date: 2009-08-07 03:18 pm (UTC)I am really enjoying your commentary on this subject. Please do continue!
no subject
Date: 2009-08-07 06:37 pm (UTC)Truth, men would not cry and hug in the bathroom, we are not hardwired that way but we may "High 5" or give a pat on the butt. Each of us must celebrate in our own way.
Communication is good but don't talk it to death....stick a fork in that dead cow and move on!
Congrats on surviving the workshop and being used as a role model!
"Never let them see you sweat!"
I'm so proud!!!!
:^)
Hells to the yes!
Date: 2009-08-07 08:32 pm (UTC)And personally, I'm a Big B, too!
>:}
no subject
Date: 2009-08-07 09:04 pm (UTC)In brief, I've run across the idea that there's a continuum of approach that ranges from "hard" to "soft", but the purpose behind it is to connect with others while still staying safe. We're all somewhere on that continuum, and some of us, like you did, can also "flip over" when circumstances demand it.
The challenge is that life requires ALL of the skills along the spectrum for various situations. The more we are towards either end, or even flipping from the extreme of one end to the extreme of the other, the more likely we will encounter situations in life where our response is ineffective - not wrong or bad, just not likely to work in that situation. It's easy to say that the situation or the people in it are stupid or wrong, and if it/they were smart/sensible/reasonable/etc. they would see and do it our way. The reality is that the diversity of life, and other people, is not wrong or bad, and certainly it's not going to change to suit us (whichever "us" it might be)!
We are all prone to this. The "hard" people see the "soft" people as weak, spineless, helpless, and useless, while the "soft" people see the "hard" people as mean, harsh, unfeeling, and nasty.
The big lightbulb for me was realizing that all of the above can be true (and often is) when we are engaging in whichever side of the scale we use *defensively*, which is to say reflexively and unconsciously. Behaving defensively automatically brings out the worst and most destructive side of the scale, and since either side of the scale automatically looks bad to the other side, when you see it being acted out in such a poor way of course it's going to reinforce that opinion!
Combining that insight with the realization that the *whole scale* is good and necessary *when applied at the appropriate moment* and *applied consciously and non-defensively* was sort of a life-changing moment for me.
A brief phrase I've used to remind myself is that the "hard" people value Truth over Harmony, while the "soft" people value Harmony over Truth. We all need both to live a whole and balanced life, but only at the right times and in the right ways - BOTH can be horribly destructive when used wrongly. Each side's adherents tend to see the good and ignore the bad expressions of their "side", which contributes to continuing the polarization, unfortunately. As I said, I've always been a Truth person and a pretty extreme one, and learning to understand that in some situations Harmony really is the most desirable outcome - not out of fear or self-protection, not because I feel silenced or at risk for speaking out, but because it's really the best outcome for everyone including me - was really strange. Skillfully and accurately participating in life sometimes requires that I NOT speak my truth, which is super hard for me. However, it's already had a positive effect on my life, my relationships and my headspace in just a couple of years of practice, so I think it's a worthwhile direction.
Your experience sounds like it was a bit of that, and that in the end it turned out to be highly positive for you when it had all the promise of being a horrible, demeaning experience. I'm very glad that all the people there were able to come at it the way they did and that it turned out to be such a good thing for you! I hope it was one of those experiences where the insights and usefulness continue on for some time, as that will really make it worth the time and energy you put into it.