Feedback welcome: on teens and parents

[threadwalker]

I stopped in Safeway this morning and at the check-out, my clerk, "Nancy", was chatty and described that she woke up at 2 am, realized her 18 yr old was not home yet, and laid awake until 3 am waiting for him.

I made some comment about there being no reason for someone to be out until 3 am unless it's their night "off" or they work swing shift.

Here's what I heard from her:
1. He's 18.
2. He's home schooled because he screwed up in HS.
3. It's totally "on him" regarding how well he does in his studies, what time he comes home, and how he lives his life.
4. Her perspective is that expecting him to be home early is her expectation and she can't expect him to live according to her expectations. Her expectations are her own issue and not her sons and he has to make his own choices.

Nancy's stance is opposite from mine. (I reposted mine below the cut.)

Also in the news today, the state of Massachuesetts is voting on a bill to outlaw spanking (corporal punishment) in the home. If that passes, you can't occasionally swat your kids rear in your home without risk of going to jail.

Okay - feedback welcome. Even if you think I'm too "corporal" or stringent in my approach. This would NOT be the first time someone has told me I'm too strict. Parents and non-parents welcome to comment.

And to my lurkers who e-mail responses to me at work instead of setting up an LJ and posting your response... I think you should just set up the LJ. That way I won't forget to respond to your comments and you won't have to nudge me. And I can keep your responses with the original post for later percolation. In fact, I might start pasting your responses in and just asign a handle to you. That way I keep it all in one spot.



Working backwards:

The anti-corporal punishment bill in MA is idiotic. Don't punish; do educate. Spend more money on preventing the creation of damaged children who will repeat the cycle of abuse and spend less money on punishing the punishers. Whatever. The whole thing is stupid in my eyes. It seems obvious to me that you shouldn't shake your kids, that you shouldn't beat them, that you shouldn't burn them, that you shouldn't lock them in closets, etc. But clearly my understanding is not common sense. When Florida's foster child program came under scrutiny several years ago, there were reports of abuse that resulted in death and others that resulted in permanent injury. I cried for days when I read the accounts and some of it is burned in my memory. I will not share any of that here.

If this is a severe issue, then they should require parenting classes. If it's an "adult" issue, then require the classes as part of delivering a baby in the hospital. (yes, the home delivery culture is left out, but Big Brother's reach is not 100% yet). In my experience, they require enough other stuff (shots, check ups, blood work, car seats to take the baby home), just make this part of Big Brother's program. If this is an issue with teen parents, then add a required parenting course in their high schools. Maybe we should have that anyway. It could be the missing link in our nuclear family culture.

As for Nancy, her approach goes entirely against how I was raised.

1. while living under my mom's roof, her rules were "The Rules".
2. Being out past midnight only happened when I was working late or on weekends and even so, my mom knew exactly where I was. Afterall, those Cthulu games could run late.
3. I was expected to take responsibility for my life and my mom didn't sit down and check my homework when I was in HS, but she was aware of what I was doing and it was clear that part of being a family (even as f-ed up as my family was) meant there were some communal expectations and there was Hell and Brimstone if you didn't.

What I felt like I was hearing from Nancy was some 12-step crap from a recovering co-dependent who has internalized the "I can only be responsible for myself" mantra and who, in the process, has removed the boundaries from her kid and is letting/forcing him to chart his own path in the greater world. (He gets to be "kid" here because even though he's 18, he's living under her roof and he's in HS.)

I hate that shit because what I hear is "I am not taking any responsibility for protecting my kids or putting safety nets out. It's totally up to them to figure out how to navigate the world." Taking that philosophy further, why don't I just leave a never ending supply of Oreos and fruit and veg out and advise my kids on which is better for them, but leave the choices up to them.

I'm very interested in what other have to say on any of this.

Comments

[ysabella-dolfin.livejournal.com]

well the age of the child is important. And their hobbies (as your cluthu experiences show). My oldest son is not a great student. But he is very involved in Drama. He's flown to Pensylvania to participate in a play. He is typically in 4-5 plays a year. He is the director of the improv program at his high school. Sometimes his plays go till late and then there are cast parties and the forays to Denny's for midnight sandwiches. I know exactlt where Michael is and I pick him up so I know he is where he says he is. But once he is 18, I doubt I will really moniter it like I do now.