Assertiveness in the Field
Aug. 11th, 2009 08:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
threadwalkerDo ladies only get to choose from passive, aggressive or passive-aggressive? Why must the connotations of "asking for something without backing down" be negative? Why is assertive translated as either aggressive or passive-aggressive to men?
The names have been changed to protect everyone, most especially me.
Janice wants me to sign and close her project. She leaves me some paperwork showing that in her opinion it should be done. My involvement is very 11th hour; the coworker who was handling this is out for several days and it needs to be dealt with ASAP. I assess the paperwork, call her, ask some questions and then let her know I need to follow up with my boss since I'm the new comer to this project. We are cool; she anticipates success.
So I call my boss to find out if there are any hidden pitfalls. He wants me to elicit one final piece of documentation.
I call Janice and I outline the request. She's annoyed and impatient. To her eyes, this is a new request.
I only comment that this is not a request that I've come up with, it's from my boss. That should have been her clue that I was not going to be swayed. Also, I'm not the type to go running back to the boss and say, 'they don't feel like doing it, are you sure they need to do it?'
Janice, however, is not satisfied with my explanation. She outlines why she doesn't have the time to do this.
I try to "partner" with her so I suggest she pass the buck to the relevant engineer (which is totally playing by the rules in our ball park.)
I say, "Call John and ask him to write up something and sign it. He can give it to me directly; we've been working together for years and he knows what kind of stuff I'm looking for and/or he can give me a call if he's not sure. Then I can close the project." It would take 3 minutes of her time and voila, it takes care of itself.
She is not satisfied and she pushes, bringing up the fairness of the situation when she was pretty sure everyone was previously in agreement that it could close as-is.
I comment, "I appreciate your feelings. I need a memo before I can close the project."
She escalates her mood and pushes harder, outlining all the urgent reasons why this is not something she is going to do, can do, should do nor will do.
I calmly respond, "I understand. As soon as you get me that memo I can close the project."
Pause. I think she was inhaling.
Janice responds by expressing that she is frustrated and wants to talk to my boss. I say, "No problem. Talk to you later."
My response: I was pretty pleased with myself. I didn't get drawn into defending or justifying my boss's request. I didn't try to respond to her points for why she thought it was a waste of time; her opinion was irrelevant since my boss has the final say. I stuck to the topic: give me the memo. Plus I remained calm and (IMO) polite the entire time. The technique of repeating the same message over and over when someone continues to pursue a line of arguement is called, "Broken Record". I have to admit, I think this is the technique my mom used on me when I was a kid and I got a little Puck-ish spike of pleasure at how effective it was. I gave myself a "swish and 2 points" for sinking the ball assertively and without aggression.
My boss was using his Jedi Listening skills and appeared in my cube within minutes of the conversation to find out what was happening. Janice had not gotten through to him yet, so I outlined the conversation. He doubled over laughing by the time I was done. I think he was tickled at how I deflected Janice without losing my temper (our team can be kind of hot-headed, so he gets a little bit of relief when we aren't throwing down).
His response: He is pleased. By supporting his request relentlessly, I did not go and make this "his problem"; Janice escalated it, not me. I also didn't do it aggressively so no one can point fingers and say I was mean and made them cry. If Janice was upset it was the situation and not due to my behaviour. So "swish and 2 pts" from the boss.
When I relayed it to the hubby, the first thing out of his mouth was,
"Wow, that was really passive aggressive of you." I corrected him and told him that I was assertive, not passive aggressive, and I was using the "broken record" technique. Regardless of what we call it, he was also very proud of how I handled the situation and that I didn't get impatient or frustrated with my coworker. I think I got a few points from him as well.
However, isn't it intriguing that when I use technique that is billed as "assertive" that my husband (who's a pretty thoughtful and insightful guy) immediately labels it as "passive aggressive". It makes me wonder, are our choices passive, aggressive or passive-aggressive? When can we just be plain old assertive without negative connotations? I wonder if my boss thinks I was passive-aggressive?
The names have been changed to protect everyone, most especially me.
Janice wants me to sign and close her project. She leaves me some paperwork showing that in her opinion it should be done. My involvement is very 11th hour; the coworker who was handling this is out for several days and it needs to be dealt with ASAP. I assess the paperwork, call her, ask some questions and then let her know I need to follow up with my boss since I'm the new comer to this project. We are cool; she anticipates success.
So I call my boss to find out if there are any hidden pitfalls. He wants me to elicit one final piece of documentation.
I call Janice and I outline the request. She's annoyed and impatient. To her eyes, this is a new request.
I only comment that this is not a request that I've come up with, it's from my boss. That should have been her clue that I was not going to be swayed. Also, I'm not the type to go running back to the boss and say, 'they don't feel like doing it, are you sure they need to do it?'
Janice, however, is not satisfied with my explanation. She outlines why she doesn't have the time to do this.
I try to "partner" with her so I suggest she pass the buck to the relevant engineer (which is totally playing by the rules in our ball park.)
I say, "Call John and ask him to write up something and sign it. He can give it to me directly; we've been working together for years and he knows what kind of stuff I'm looking for and/or he can give me a call if he's not sure. Then I can close the project." It would take 3 minutes of her time and voila, it takes care of itself.
She is not satisfied and she pushes, bringing up the fairness of the situation when she was pretty sure everyone was previously in agreement that it could close as-is.
I comment, "I appreciate your feelings. I need a memo before I can close the project."
She escalates her mood and pushes harder, outlining all the urgent reasons why this is not something she is going to do, can do, should do nor will do.
I calmly respond, "I understand. As soon as you get me that memo I can close the project."
Pause. I think she was inhaling.
Janice responds by expressing that she is frustrated and wants to talk to my boss. I say, "No problem. Talk to you later."
My response: I was pretty pleased with myself. I didn't get drawn into defending or justifying my boss's request. I didn't try to respond to her points for why she thought it was a waste of time; her opinion was irrelevant since my boss has the final say. I stuck to the topic: give me the memo. Plus I remained calm and (IMO) polite the entire time. The technique of repeating the same message over and over when someone continues to pursue a line of arguement is called, "Broken Record". I have to admit, I think this is the technique my mom used on me when I was a kid and I got a little Puck-ish spike of pleasure at how effective it was. I gave myself a "swish and 2 points" for sinking the ball assertively and without aggression.
My boss was using his Jedi Listening skills and appeared in my cube within minutes of the conversation to find out what was happening. Janice had not gotten through to him yet, so I outlined the conversation. He doubled over laughing by the time I was done. I think he was tickled at how I deflected Janice without losing my temper (our team can be kind of hot-headed, so he gets a little bit of relief when we aren't throwing down).
His response: He is pleased. By supporting his request relentlessly, I did not go and make this "his problem"; Janice escalated it, not me. I also didn't do it aggressively so no one can point fingers and say I was mean and made them cry. If Janice was upset it was the situation and not due to my behaviour. So "swish and 2 pts" from the boss.
When I relayed it to the hubby, the first thing out of his mouth was,
"Wow, that was really passive aggressive of you." I corrected him and told him that I was assertive, not passive aggressive, and I was using the "broken record" technique. Regardless of what we call it, he was also very proud of how I handled the situation and that I didn't get impatient or frustrated with my coworker. I think I got a few points from him as well.
However, isn't it intriguing that when I use technique that is billed as "assertive" that my husband (who's a pretty thoughtful and insightful guy) immediately labels it as "passive aggressive". It makes me wonder, are our choices passive, aggressive or passive-aggressive? When can we just be plain old assertive without negative connotations? I wonder if my boss thinks I was passive-aggressive?
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no subject
Date: 2009-08-12 04:39 am (UTC)You were sticking to your guns, which is a virtue in men.
no subject
Date: 2009-08-12 04:42 am (UTC)Third that
Date: 2009-08-12 05:08 am (UTC)Yes, this seems assertive to me. You gave her options (like passing the buck to the engineer); you didn't get huffy when she wanted to talk to your boss and you didn't pass the buck to him; assertive.
(In PT, where I am dealing with customers who have to be kept happy, I'd sugar coat that conversation with a lot of niceness and I'd be apologetic... "I'm sorry, I can't do that," with corresponding body language/tone of voice so that the patient knew I wasn't being harsh, it was Da Roolz. But hey, I'm not a chemical engineer, different playing field.)
no subject
Date: 2009-08-12 05:14 am (UTC)As I understand it from the psychological side, it is being passive overtly and aggressive covertly, however that expresses itself, and you definitely were not doing that! "Calm and focused" is not passive by any means, and sticking to your previously-stated requirements *to her face* is certainly not covert aggression. I don't see any aggression at all in your response, fwiw. I think it was totally professional, appropriately assertive but calm, direct without being hostile, and really the only thing you could have reasonably done. It's too bad she had such an issue with it but when you know you are doing your part at coming to the common ground, it's not your issue if the other person fails to do so.
Actually
Date: 2009-08-12 05:19 am (UTC)Neither passive, nor aggressive, nor a combination.
no subject
Date: 2009-08-12 05:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-08-12 02:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-08-12 04:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-08-12 07:40 pm (UTC)Btw, I was well-known as a raging bitch back at the Evil Corporate Overlord. I had little tolerance for stupidity and time-wasting, and tended to state my opinions and push for better methods of getting tasks done.
I've been fascinated by your descriptions of the assertiveness class and will be reading the follow-ups avidly. (I'm a "little a" too!)
no subject
Date: 2009-08-13 04:03 am (UTC)You were clear, honest, stuck to your (boss's) requirement when challenged, suggested ways for "Janice" to achieve the requirement, and throughout the discussion with her, you kept your cool.
no subject
Date: 2009-08-25 11:34 pm (UTC)You to coworker: "Ok, you think my boss's requirements are ridiculous. I do too. I don't think you should have to do the extra memo either. I'll just pass your stuff to the boss and see if he notices!"
You to boss: "That B!~*# just kept screaming at me and telling me what a stupid idiot you were and that I was a jerk to even try and support your stupidity! You should have heard what she said about you! If we had recorded that conversation she would have had to be reprimanded or fired for using that type of language, and saying those types of things, about a coworker, more or less a manager! You should really watch out for her!" etc.
I guess it translates to kissing ass to the person causing you problems and then backstabbing or sabotaging them where you can.